From Thomas

Christmas time… – by Simone

My darling Bella and Thomas These milestone days don’t seem to get easier. Oh how palpable my feeling of missing has been the last few days. Not an hour goes by that I don’t think of you, and how life would/should have been. Today is different to this time last year. Last year was raw, my grief often out of control, all consuming. I wasn’t able to step out of my grief to celebrate Christmas at all. I couldn’t laugh, couldn’t pretend, could barely function. This year, a year further down the track, a year of walking this grief journey…

Bella and Thomas’ final resting place – by Simone 

Our darling children Today we laid your ashes to rest. Together, as they should be. In a very very beautiful and special place that we will be able to visit as often as we like. Getting to this point has been a long and hard journey. How do you ever find the perfect place for your child’s ashes to be? But I know that it’s also an important part of the journey of grief. Another milestone that has to be reached. We have visited and thought of so many different places and options and nothing ever felt quite right, until…

A tough few days – by Simone 

My darling Belsie and Thomas It’s been a tough few days, really hard. It goes like that. You are going along “fine” and then suddenly the wave comes, sweeping your feet out from under you. It can often be so very unexpected and not really triggered by anything particular. Just a general sadness and realization of what you have lost, what you so yearn for. Belsie, I have been thinking so very very much about you lately. As more time passes since your death, it’s more and more difficult to imagine what you would have looked like. I see little…

A day filled with my 2 babies – by Simone

My darling Belsie and Thomas   Today has been a day filled with you, my 2 babies – amazing and hard all at the same time.   I started off this morning as I do most days spending some quiet time in your garden, just thinking and feeling closer to you. Murray informed me once again this morning that Sissie was happy because her garden was beautiful.   I then had an experience with 2 girls who wanted to learn more about you – my 2 precious angels, my children in heaven. I will write more about this at a…

Some light appears – by Simone

Its been a little while since I have written. Not because I don’t think of you pretty much every moment of the day my darling child. Because I do.   I feel like I am slowly starting to make a little bit of progress in dealing with my grief. I was in such a dark place for so long, crawling along the seabed, unsure of how to possibly go on, how I would ever see any light. But now slowly, that very heavy feeling on my chest, the near suffocation, the constant darkness is starting to lift. Some days are…

Our Painting and Vision – by Simone

A few weeks ago I had a very surreal experience. I went for a run and while listening to my iPod, “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban started to play. Not only is this a beautiful song and incredibly pertinent for right now, this is also the song that my dear friend Sass (Sarah Stuart (van Lingen)) walked down the aisle to. Sass died tragically 2.5 years ago leaving her husband, family and 2 beautiful boys behind. The song was playing loudly in my ears and my entire mind and body were filled with the words of this wonderful song.   I…

Your beach sunset – by Simone

My darling Thomas   Just as we have a beautiful beach sunset for your sister Bella’s sunset , we had one done for you as well. We had to wait more than 3 months for it to arrive but it was worth the wait! We are now going to have each of them beautifully framed and put up in our dressing room as the start of our memory wall for you and your sister.   Your mom loves you both, more than I will ever be able to put into words. xx

Today should have been your birth day my darling Thomas – by Simone

My little boy   Had everything gone according to plan, you would have been born today. It is very, very hard to get my head around the fact that this is no longer our journey. I yearn for what could have been, what would be happening today, for the excitement and miracle of life. I realise that I haven’t really written properly about you, your birth story. And I think about it all the time, obsessing about it, flashing back to it. So I thought writing about it might help me process a bit.   I found out I was…

2 months today darling boy – by Simone

My darling little Thomas Its been 2 months today since you entered our world and then so tragically left it to join your sister. My heart is still so heavy, any small thing setting me off in floods of tears. I got a tattoo on the inside of my left wrist after your sister died so that I would always have her name and her memory emblazoned on me, always with me. And so I have done the same for you, on the inside of my right wrist. An image of a mother and child, 2 hearts joined always, with…

A month since you left us little Thomas – by Simone

My dearest little Thomas   It’s a month today since you entered this world, and then left it so tragically.   I have no profound thoughts, no words of wisdom. Just a deep, deep sadness and void that feels like it will never be filled.   I think of you all the time, pretty much every moment of the day. I play in my head how it would be if you had lived. How we would have managed your stay in NICU, what my days would have looked like. And I also play in my head the fact that if…