The Void – by Simone

My darling Belsie Oh how I miss you baby girl. The void of you not being here seems to get bigger and bigger. You get used to it being there all the time, but it never gets any easier really, It’s funny, everyone prepares you for the first year, for getting through all the firsts. And you think it’s supposed to get easier after that, better somehow. But the picture above really perfectly describes how I feel. While the grief is less raw, less shocking, in some ways the loss is highlighted more and more as time goes on, the…

How I miss our little 2 1/2 year old – by Simone 

My darling Belsie You would have been 2 1/2 years old today my precious child. I got one of those cruel but amazing reminders from Facebook this morning of you at 6 months old. One of my favorite photos of you. That beautiful little face, with that toothless grin and shining blue eyes. It was a physical hit in the stomach, one that makes me reel. It also made me realize that it’s only 6 weeks until the 2nd anniversary of your death, and the dread and apprehension immediately set in. The 15 September has always seemed like a far…

My heart breaks a little more each time – by Simone

This morning Murray was playing with our puppy Daisy and was stroking her very sweetly. I commented on how nice he was being to her. He lent down, gave her a kiss on the head and said, “I love you so much Daisy, please don’t die.” On hearing something like this my heart really does break a little. All I want to do is protect my child from heartache and pain. From loss and the harsh realities of life. And I know that I cant and that’s hard. I so wish I could just wrap him in cotton wool. He…

Good morning my sweethearts – by Simone

Good morning my loves As I type this I am sitting at your beautiful resting place. It’s crisp, cold in fact, but so beautiful. The river is fuller than a few months ago and the sound of it running is so soothing. I can hear the grass being cut in the distance. I immediately feel calmer. I am reminded of the words on your plaque, that you are “in each and everything”. Since the interview last Wednesday I have felt quite unhinged, very emotional. I felt a bit like I had been run over by a bus!  I so enjoyed…

My appearance on live TV – the Afternoon Express show – by Simone

I had the privilege to appear on live television yesterday on the Afternoon Express show on SABC 3. It was my first time on television and they all immediately put me at ease. The show is impressively run and it was a privilege to watch it all unfold. I really did just feel like I was sitting on the couch talking to friends and was hardly aware of the cameras etc and what was happening around me.     As you can imagine, most people/commercial organisations shy away from this sort of subject matter – its heavy!! But they were…

You make my heart so warm darling Murray!

  My darling Murray   You had your grommets re-done this morning, and while its a tiny operation, these things always do make me anxious. You reacted so badly to your last 2 anaesthetics and it seems that you get post-operative delirium after anaesthetics. The anaethetist treated you with different meds this time around and our experience was completely different, thank goodness, all calm! You sit still for so little these days and aren’t big on cuddling unless its the middle of the night and you want me to lie with you! So to have you still and quiet for…

Oh, how I failed you – by Simone 

I try to keep these feelings at bay, I try to smother them and not to think about them, but sometimes it’s just too hard and they boil over. The most important thing as a mother is to keep your children safe and alive. You can mess up on absolutely everything else but as long as you keep them alive you have done okay. But I didn’t manage to do that. I failed at the most important thing I was ever given to do. And so everything else I have done in my life seems pointless. Why couldnt I fail…

What to do when your friend loses a baby – by Simone

It was the first anniversary of our Thomas’ birth and death last week, and wow, it was tough! It was tough for all the “normal” reasons but something which made it even harder was that I felt almost completely alone. Very few people, family and friends alike, remembered the significance of the day, until I posted something on this blog, and while I shouldn’t find this hard, I did. I want to scream from the rooftops “he existed, he was real, he was my baby, he lived!” but I know that to almost everybody he wasn’t real. They never physically…

Our darling Thomas – Today a year ago, you came and went – by Simone

My darling Thomas   Today, a year ago, you came into this world, and then left us within a few hours of meeting you. So much of that day plays over and over again in my head. Like a stuck record, taunting me. And so much of that day is also in a morphine induced fuzziness, the stuff I really want to remember – holding you, touching you, drinking in every detail of you. I have come a long way in my grief, but some parts of it are still so so raw, like it happened just yesterday, fading slowly…

Option B – you have got to read this book – by Simone

  I have always been a big fan of Sheryl Sandberg and loved her book Lean In. Her second book which has just been released is called Option B. It’s brilliant! A very personal account of her experiences from losing her husband, but also an excellent grief handbook. It gives really useful tools in terms of how to deal with grief on every level – personally, with your kids, from a work perspective and how to enable and help those that are grieving. What she highlights so well, is that while losing a husband/child/loved one is one of the worst…