7 years ago you died precious darling Bella

Oh baby girl – today 7 years ago you died…how the hell is that possible? On so many levels – how is it possible that you died at all, how is it possible that it was 7 years ago? In some ways a life time ago, in other ways, like it was just yesterday. Oh how cruel it’s seems, every single part of it. That day I remember like it was yesterday…every single part of it. What I wore that morning, the meeting I went to and the presentation I gave, where I was standing at work when the phone…

6 years ago you died darling Thomas

Happy birthday my precious darling Thomas. Today you would have been 6 years old. And 6 years ago we also lost you and you went to be with your sister. We lost you on a Wednesday, just like today is a Wednesday. I remember the morning and the lead up to it as clearly as if it were yesterday. Last night I even woke up at the same time as I remember waking up that early early Wednesday morning 6 years ago – when I passed the 8cm clot that had caused all our issues in the first place. I…

Happy 7th birthday darling Bella.

Good morning precious baby girl of ours Today is your 7th birthday. You would have been a whole 7 years old and in grade 1. The thought of that is so so hard my darling child. So many milestones we have missed, so many celebrations we haven’t had.   I write this while sitting with you and Thomas at The Vineyard. It’s a perfect morning, quiet, peaceful. Birds chirping, water flowing in the river, sun spilling through the trees, dappled light on the leaves. It feels very similar to the day you were born, which I also remember as being…

A letter to you Belsie, 6 years since you left us

My precious baby girl, it’s your mom here, writing to you again Today marks that day 6 years ago that you left us. I still play that day and the days building up to it over and over in my head, so much of it so vivid in my mind. It still sometimes seems completely and absolutely surreal to me that you died, how the hell is that actually possible? How was I not able to do the one thing I needed to do as a mom – to keep you safe and alive? I failed you in the most…

Today 5 years ago darling Thomas – by Simone

Today 5 years ago my darling little boy you entered our world – the teeny tiny little bundle that you were, all 700g of you. Today is your birthday…but also the day that you died…the dichotomy of that is so so tough to deal with so often. Celebration and mourning all in a few short hours. So many parts of that fateful Wednesday and the 2 weeks before that time where I fought for both of us tooth and nail are still so clear to me and yet other parts of it, the real trauma and stress of it has…

Today we wish you a happy 6th birthday our darling Bella – by Simone

My darling sweet Bella Happy 6th birthday sweetest child of mine. Oh how I wish with every part of my being that you were here for us to celebrate you. Oh how I yearn for you. For every part of you. The good, the bad, the easy, the difficult, and everything inbetween. The build up to this day always hangs over me for weeks before, I wonder if that will ever change or become easier? I have been playing over and over in my head the day you were born. That wonderful day that you decided to surprise us all…

5 years today since you left us – by Simone

My Darling Bella Its 5 years today that you died. How on earth is that possible? In some ways just a moment ago, in other ways a lifetime ago. You died on a Tuesday afternoon, and today, 5 years later, we come around to it being a Tuesday again. Its also the first year where we haven’t gone away, haven’t hidden away from the world where no-one can find us. And so all of this has been playing on my mind, and to be honest, freaking me out. I can’t be in our home around the time that you died,…

Bella’s memory quilt

When your child dies, one of the things you have to figure out is what to do with their clothes. And let me tell you, that is no easy feat! It’s fraught with so many difficult decisions! I burnt the clothes she died in which was somewhat cathartic and I had seen some ideas of people using some of their loved ones clothes to create a memory quilt. But this definitely was something that I could not do myself – both because I lack the creative ability and would also have found it way too hard. So my step-mom Debbie…

4 years today dear Thomas..since you were born…and since you died – by Simone

Oh my darling little, tiny Thomas. Today 4 years ago, you entered our world in such a big hurry at only 26 weeks and 4 days. Today is both your birthday but also the day that you died. And those 2 things are impossible to reconcile. I had tried so so hard to keep you inside me but my body had different ideas and I still have so much guilt for that. That I couldn’t keep you safe, that my body couldn’t do what it needed to to sustain you. Gosh, the 2 week build up to your arrival is…

1 month post debulking surgery – by Simone

So I thought I would write an update on my surgery as I have just passed the 1 month mark.   All in all the results are really great! My excess volume has gone from 4070 to 726. The day before the op the leg was 36% larger and now it is only 6% larger. Here is a pic to show you the improvement.   As I wrote about in my previous post I had really awful pain for the first week or so, much more than I expected. There were times that I wondered if this would all be…