A letter to my darling Belsie, 3 years after you left us – by Simone

My baby girl It’s 3 years ago today that you left us on this earth. As your dad said to me this morning, sometimes it feels like only half an hour ago, other times an entire lifetime ago. But the one thing that doesn’t change is that we miss you so very desperately every single day and that you are never ever not with us, in our hearts. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t wonder how different life would be if you were still alive. I mourn not only for you but for the loss…

How to help your grieving child – by Simone

I have been thinking about writing something around helping children with grief and the need was cemented for me when a mom reached out specifically asking about this subject. I think about it a lot – how to help Murray with his grief. It can be really tough to know what to do and how to assist him, especially when you are feeling depleted yourself, unable to actually even comprehend your own feelings. In writing this I reached out to other moms who have lost children and asked them to share ideas in terms of how they have helped their…

Surrogacy – the good, the bad and the unsuccessful – by Simone

I think that finally we have got to the end of this “trying to have another baby” journey. And it hasn’t ended in the way we had hoped, not at all, but I am hoping that finally, maybe, we can make a bit of peace with this. You see, we have walked pretty far down the surrogacy road the last few months. And it has ended unsuccessfully, not through lack of trying, hoping, wishing and praying and with all the will in the world from everyone, but because a medical complication has made it impossible for our chosen surrogate to…

Let me tell you who I am now – by Simone

I have been feeling frustrated and misunderstood, by myself and others as this journey of grief has continued its march. I have been thinking about what to write, how to put it into words and then I came across this beautiful piece written by Angela Miller and it so perfectly describes how I feel that I wanted to share it. I realize that the only way that people can fully understand this journey is by having to become a bereaved parent themselves, and this is not something I would wish on anyone, ever. Before it happens you cannot go there;…

My WTF moment – by Simone

On this journey of grief, you are thrown curve balls along the way that leave you speechless. I had one of those yesterday. I have written on here about my social anxiety, especially when it comes to social situations where I know I will be surrounded by people that I don’t know well and who may not know our story – where I have to manage peoples reactions and discomfort and how they generally have no idea what to “do” with me. I did some lifting yesterday for a school outing of Murray’s where some other moms were also helping…

Murray’s meltdown – by Simone

I don’t even know how to start this post. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through me – so much sorrow, so much grief, so much sadness, so much uncertainty. Murray had a complete meltdown about his lost brother and sister this morning. He was sobbing for them, wanting to know why they had died, asking me to bring them back, telling me about how much he missed them and wanting to know exactly where they are, pointing up at the sky. He was inconsolable in his grief, holding onto me for dear life. As a parent all…

Re-wiring the brain – anxious reactions – by Simone

Since my recent miscarriage and all the trauma that came along with that, as well as my recent surgery where I nearly died, my PTSD has definitely got worse again, and along with this my social anxiety. I struggled with PTSD after Bella died, with extreme flashbacks multiple time per day, and then after losing Thomas they got even worse. I finally went on medication to help me cope with them better and also did some serious work with my psychologist. The PTSD and flashbacks got a lot better, but they have definitely reared their ugly head again.   I…

Could I be cursed? – by Simone

Could I be cursed? It’s honestly beginning to feel that way! I must have been a very very bad person in my previous life! So after I wrote about having a good cancer check up and bloods, I went for my annual CT scan just as a routine additional check. The next day I was sitting in the SAA lounge about to fly to Johannesburg when I received a call from my dear plastic surgeon to tell me that they had found a growth in my uterus 10cm x 9cm. I was completely calm and carried on my day as…

Today you would have been 2 years old – by Simone

My darling Thomas Today you would have been 2 years old my precious little boy. 2 years since all 700grams of you entered this world and fought so hard to live. And 2 years also since you left us, after only being with us for 3 precious hours. I spent time with you and your sister at your bench this morning, did you hear me singing happy birthday to you? Anyone watching would have thought I was a complete nutcase! I was there over the time that, 2 years ago, you decided that it was time to enter this world…

Celebrating a good cancer check up – by Simone

I had my 6 monthly cancer check this afternoon with my oncologist and plastic surgeon. I had been quite worried about it to be honest. I was pretty convinced that my cancer markers would have gone up again. With everything that my body has been through over the last few months, I honestly never assumed it would be any different. My body has been tested almost more than it was able to deal with and I know that that is when issues in your body, like cancer, are often exposed. But my tumour marker has stayed nicely low and they…