Tonight is a tough night – by Simone

Tonight is one of those nights where everything suddenly seems to catch up with me. I am STILL in hospital with one damn complication after another. I was initially admitted back into hospital on Wednesday morning to give me some fluids, see if I needed a blood transfusion and it was expected I would be out in 24 hours. Instead, I started having massive spiking temperatures and it seemed that I have an infection/s and that surgery was on the cards for today (this was always a last resort for Steffi). The blood cultures came back today showing that I…

Our 4th pregnancy, precious but too short… – by Simone

It’s hard to know where to start with this next chapter of our lives. A much shorter chapter than we would have liked but important nonetheless. I guess the summary is, I was pregnant, carried until 10weeks and 5 days and then had a miscarriage. But as with our family, it’s never as simple as that, is it?! For those who have been following our blog, you will know that we have desperately been trying to have another baby. I had 9 operations last year, some to try and fix my uterus, some to retrieve some very precious eggs for…

Fair Lady April 2018 edition – by Simone

I was lucky enough to be asked to write something for Fair Lady on how to help the grieving. I only had 1500 words so it was pretty tough to condense everything I wanted to say into that word count, but here it is. Please take the time to buy a copy of Fair Lady or to read it here. Hopefully it can help some of you.   Fair Lady article

A new normal

A very dear friend, who has had a serious tough time in life and yet always has a smile on her face and conducts herself with such incredible grace and dignity, shared this with me and it is just so spot on that i had to share it.   What is Normal after your child dies? Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life Normal is feeling like you can’t sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don’t like to…

James and Alcohol – by Simone

As I was driving to work this morning, on Valentine’s Day, I was thinking about my darling husband, how much I love him and how grateful I am for him. I thought back over our last few years and how much we have been challenged, and how strong he has been in facing a particular challenge of his. Some of you may not know this but my husband stopped drinking almost 4 years ago. Prior to this he was an “over-indulger”. It wasn’t that he drank every day. Not at all. But rather that when he drank in a social…

Smacked straight in the gut – by Simone

My darling Bella I have literally just been punched straight in the stomach. I have just received an email from one of the schools that I had your name down at to tell me that the admission process was starting and that we would hear shortly about your place. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. About 2 weeks after you died I emailed all the schools where I had put your name down to tell them that you had died and to avoid them contacting me in the future. This particular school actually had the most heartfelt…

Happy 3rd birthday darling Bella Pops – by Simone

My darling daughter Today is your 3rd birthday. I remember that day 3 years ago so so clearly. The day you entered our world and embedded yourself in my heart forever. Oh how we would have celebrated you if you were still here on earth. Presents, cakes, candles, parties, singing. I imagine how you would have looked, what your hair would have looked like, your sparkling blue eyes. What your relationship with your brother would have been like. Oh how I crave for all of that!! Today has been a tough day. I feel like I didn’t carve out enough…

My Lymph Node Transplant – by Simone

This blog started off as a medium to be able to help us cope with the loss of our children, and in that way, also reach out to others and help them cope with their loss in any way that we could. Over time, this has morphed into a bit of a diary about our/my life – covering the death of children, our journey with grief, life’s disappointments, cancer scares, IVF and so much more. And more often than not the honest way in which we share here is pretty scary. Because putting your stuff out there is scary, being…

2017/2018 – Looking back and looking forward – by Simone

This blog post has taken me the longest to write and it feels completely ineloquent and unprofound. Normally at the beginning of a year I am fired up, able to reflect on the year that has past, and also look forward to the year ahead with some good goals that I actively aim to achieve. I also always ensure that I spend some time on the 1 January thinking and writing, putting my thoughts and goals down on paper. And somehow this year, I am finding that quite hard to do. Almost like I just can’t find the energy to…

Remembering to give thanks…by Simone

So it’s that time of year – Christmas, New Year, holiday time. And with this comes a massive mix of emotions. Happiness and joy at seeing Murray’s excitement around Christmas and Father Christmas, reliving again all the excitement I used to feel as a child. Sadness that his brother and sister are not here to celebrate with him, seeing his craving for a sibling to share this all with. Deep deep grief for ourselves, but also almost more so for those parents who I have met who have lost children in the last 12 months and for whom they are…