My WTF moment – by Simone

On this journey of grief, you are thrown curve balls along the way that leave you speechless. I had one of those yesterday. I have written on here about my social anxiety, especially when it comes to social situations where I know I will be surrounded by people that I don’t know well and who may not know our story – where I have to manage peoples reactions and discomfort and how they generally have no idea what to “do” with me. I did some lifting yesterday for a school outing of Murray’s where some other moms were also helping…

Murray’s meltdown – by Simone

I don’t even know how to start this post. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through me – so much sorrow, so much grief, so much sadness, so much uncertainty. Murray had a complete meltdown about his lost brother and sister this morning. He was sobbing for them, wanting to know why they had died, asking me to bring them back, telling me about how much he missed them and wanting to know exactly where they are, pointing up at the sky. He was inconsolable in his grief, holding onto me for dear life. As a parent all…

Re-wiring the brain – anxious reactions – by Simone

Since my recent miscarriage and all the trauma that came along with that, as well as my recent surgery where I nearly died, my PTSD has definitely got worse again, and along with this my social anxiety. I struggled with PTSD after Bella died, with extreme flashbacks multiple time per day, and then after losing Thomas they got even worse. I finally went on medication to help me cope with them better and also did some serious work with my psychologist. The PTSD and flashbacks got a lot better, but they have definitely reared their ugly head again.   I…

Could I be cursed? – by Simone

Could I be cursed? It’s honestly beginning to feel that way! I must have been a very very bad person in my previous life! So after I wrote about having a good cancer check up and bloods, I went for my annual CT scan just as a routine additional check. The next day I was sitting in the SAA lounge about to fly to Johannesburg when I received a call from my dear plastic surgeon to tell me that they had found a growth in my uterus 10cm x 9cm. I was completely calm and carried on my day as…

Today you would have been 2 years old – by Simone

My darling Thomas Today you would have been 2 years old my precious little boy. 2 years since all 700grams of you entered this world and fought so hard to live. And 2 years also since you left us, after only being with us for 3 precious hours. I spent time with you and your sister at your bench this morning, did you hear me singing happy birthday to you? Anyone watching would have thought I was a complete nutcase! I was there over the time that, 2 years ago, you decided that it was time to enter this world…

Celebrating a good cancer check up – by Simone

I had my 6 monthly cancer check this afternoon with my oncologist and plastic surgeon. I had been quite worried about it to be honest. I was pretty convinced that my cancer markers would have gone up again. With everything that my body has been through over the last few months, I honestly never assumed it would be any different. My body has been tested almost more than it was able to deal with and I know that that is when issues in your body, like cancer, are often exposed. But my tumour marker has stayed nicely low and they…

Tonight is a tough night – by Simone

Tonight is one of those nights where everything suddenly seems to catch up with me. I am STILL in hospital with one damn complication after another. I was initially admitted back into hospital on Wednesday morning to give me some fluids, see if I needed a blood transfusion and it was expected I would be out in 24 hours. Instead, I started having massive spiking temperatures and it seemed that I have an infection/s and that surgery was on the cards for today (this was always a last resort for Steffi). The blood cultures came back today showing that I…

Our 4th pregnancy, precious but too short… – by Simone

It’s hard to know where to start with this next chapter of our lives. A much shorter chapter than we would have liked but important nonetheless. I guess the summary is, I was pregnant, carried until 10weeks and 5 days and then had a miscarriage. But as with our family, it’s never as simple as that, is it?! For those who have been following our blog, you will know that we have desperately been trying to have another baby. I had 9 operations last year, some to try and fix my uterus, some to retrieve some very precious eggs for…

Fair Lady April 2018 edition – by Simone

I was lucky enough to be asked to write something for Fair Lady on how to help the grieving. I only had 1500 words so it was pretty tough to condense everything I wanted to say into that word count, but here it is. Please take the time to buy a copy of Fair Lady or to read it here. Hopefully it can help some of you.   Fair Lady article

A new normal

A very dear friend, who has had a serious tough time in life and yet always has a smile on her face and conducts herself with such incredible grace and dignity, shared this with me and it is just so spot on that i had to share it.   What is Normal after your child dies? Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life Normal is feeling like you can’t sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don’t like to…