Good morning my darling Bella and Thomas
Life this last few weeks seems to have been too frantic, too busy, and I feel like I have been in some ways completely pulled into and in other ways completely removed from it, watching it go on around me. I don’t have the energy to multi-task like I usually do and I am feeling pretty flat to be honest. But I am on the treadmill so I keep on moving forward, like it or not.
And so I haven’t been to your special place for about 2 weeks now. But every day as I drive past it, rushing to or from somewhere I feel this pull to take some time. Some time to be quiet with my thoughts and just think of you.
And so this morning I did just that. I came and sat quietly with you, taking in the sound of the water, the birds chirping in the trees, the faint hum of the lawnmower. The exquisite light as it filters through the trees. And I remember the words of the plaque we put on your bench, that you are all around us all the time, in each and everything. And I try and take comfort in this. I feel closer to you both here. But is also so so hard being here.
When you are pulled into the details of every day life, it is possible often to compartmentalise your feelings. To put them in a box and when the lid of that box opens, as it does frequently, you pretty quickly learn to slam it down. To smother it with “stuff” so that you don’t have to acknowledge or deal with your feelings. So that you don’t have to feel the true pain and heartache. It’s always there but you learn how to not let it absorb you, fill you, every moment of the day. Because those real feelings can be so so hard to deal with. They can be terrifying, exhausting, hurtful, and just take so much energy. But I also know that I can’t ignore them forever. And that sometimes I have to give in to them.
And so this morning, I am giving in to them. It’s a real bitter sweet pain. Sweet because I get to think and talk to you, and oh so very bitter, because I can’t think of you both without thinking of my loss of you. Of every thing we don’t get to have together, of every moment we will never experience, each sweet little step and treasured memory we will never create.
And so my darling babies, your mommy loves you so very very much. You are always in my heart, in my mind, part of everything I do.
I love you