My darling Bella and Thomas
These milestone days don’t seem to get easier. Oh how palpable my feeling of missing has been the last few days. Not an hour goes by that I don’t think of you, and how life would/should have been. Today is different to this time last year. Last year was raw, my grief often out of control, all consuming. I wasn’t able to step out of my grief to celebrate Christmas at all. I couldn’t laugh, couldn’t pretend, could barely function. This year, a year further down the track, a year of walking this grief journey in more intense ways than I thought imaginable, I am more able to cope with my grief. I can feel happiness, I can celebrate, but always with this very heavy knowledge in the depth of my heart and mind of who is not with us. Our two precious children, looking down on us.
Murray’s excitement around Christmas has certainly helped to pull me along into a celebratory state of mind. I wish you 2 could see him! There was no way we were getting away with not celebrating this year! To see Christmas through his eyes reawakens so many feelings. To see his utter delight and joy at each and every little Christmas oriented thing is just so sweet and uplifting. But every single thing he does, I do find myself wondering how it would have been if you were still alive Belsie, how you 2 would have been interacting. And I am just so so very sad for him that he does not have that special sibling relationship, especially one where there was only a 15 month age gap. Because I know how much he would have loved it and how much he would have loved you. My heart aches for this.
My little Thomas, this time last year, I had just found out I was pregnant with you. A complete surprise for us but such a remarkable blessing and gift. I remember how I believedd that you were a direct present from Bella for us, a miracle sent to give us hope again. And even in the depths of the despair I was feeling, you growing inside my tummy gave me something to look forward to again. You gave me an inner strength to carry on.
I went to go and visit your special place in the gardens this afternoon and spent a little bit of time there just saying a prayer to you both. I am trying to find my rhythm with this place. It’s a deeply personal area for me, and one that I feel hugely protective over. It’s a place I don’t really want to go with other people right now, almost as though when I go there I don’t want any distractions from you. I dont mind other people going there too, in fact I encourage it should they wish to. But for now, I need to go and visit my darling children on my own. To have my space, just me and you. I sat on the bench, read the plaque and then closed my eyes. My senses were heightened and I noticed how the wind caressed my face, the birds tweeted all around me. Just as your plaque says. Everything for that little while felt closer and enlightened. I felt you both closer to me.
I love you precious children of mine, and miss you more than is possible to describe.
Your mom xx