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7 years ago you died precious darling Bella

Oh baby girl – today 7 years ago you died…how the hell is that possible? On so many levels – how is it possible that you died at all, how is it possible that it was 7 years ago? In some ways a life time ago, in other ways, like it was just yesterday. Oh how cruel it’s seems, every single part of it. That day I remember like it was yesterday…every single part of it. What I wore that morning, the meeting I went to and the presentation I gave, where I was standing at work when the phone…

6 years ago you died darling Thomas

Happy birthday my precious darling Thomas. Today you would have been 6 years old. And 6 years ago we also lost you and you went to be with your sister. We lost you on a Wednesday, just like today is a Wednesday. I remember the morning and the lead up to it as clearly as if it were yesterday. Last night I even woke up at the same time as I remember waking up that early early Wednesday morning 6 years ago – when I passed the 8cm clot that had caused all our issues in the first place. I…

Happy 7th birthday darling Bella.

Good morning precious baby girl of ours Today is your 7th birthday. You would have been a whole 7 years old and in grade 1. The thought of that is so so hard my darling child. So many milestones we have missed, so many celebrations we haven’t had.   I write this while sitting with you and Thomas at The Vineyard. It’s a perfect morning, quiet, peaceful. Birds chirping, water flowing in the river, sun spilling through the trees, dappled light on the leaves. It feels very similar to the day you were born, which I also remember as being…

A letter to you Belsie, 6 years since you left us

My precious baby girl, it’s your mom here, writing to you again Today marks that day 6 years ago that you left us. I still play that day and the days building up to it over and over in my head, so much of it so vivid in my mind. It still sometimes seems completely and absolutely surreal to me that you died, how the hell is that actually possible? How was I not able to do the one thing I needed to do as a mom – to keep you safe and alive? I failed you in the most…

5 years today since you left us – by Simone

My Darling Bella Its 5 years today that you died. How on earth is that possible? In some ways just a moment ago, in other ways a lifetime ago. You died on a Tuesday afternoon, and today, 5 years later, we come around to it being a Tuesday again. Its also the first year where we haven’t gone away, haven’t hidden away from the world where no-one can find us. And so all of this has been playing on my mind, and to be honest, freaking me out. I can’t be in our home around the time that you died,…

Bella’s memory quilt

When your child dies, one of the things you have to figure out is what to do with their clothes. And let me tell you, that is no easy feat! It’s fraught with so many difficult decisions! I burnt the clothes she died in which was somewhat cathartic and I had seen some ideas of people using some of their loved ones clothes to create a memory quilt. But this definitely was something that I could not do myself – both because I lack the creative ability and would also have found it way too hard. So my step-mom Debbie…

4 years today dear Thomas..since you were born…and since you died – by Simone

Oh my darling little, tiny Thomas. Today 4 years ago, you entered our world in such a big hurry at only 26 weeks and 4 days. Today is both your birthday but also the day that you died. And those 2 things are impossible to reconcile. I had tried so so hard to keep you inside me but my body had different ideas and I still have so much guilt for that. That I couldn’t keep you safe, that my body couldn’t do what it needed to to sustain you. Gosh, the 2 week build up to your arrival is…

1 month post debulking surgery – by Simone

So I thought I would write an update on my surgery as I have just passed the 1 month mark.   All in all the results are really great! My excess volume has gone from 4070 to 726. The day before the op the leg was 36% larger and now it is only 6% larger. Here is a pic to show you the improvement.   As I wrote about in my previous post I had really awful pain for the first week or so, much more than I expected. There were times that I wondered if this would all be…

My leg debulking surgery – the first of its kind in Africa.

As some of you will know, I suffer severely from lymphedema following my cancer treatment when I was 29 years old. Lymphedema is the swelling of an area due to the build-up of lymph fluid. I have secondary lymphedema which is generally caused by cancer treatment. I carry about 5 kg of additional weight in my right leg with the majority of it being below the knee. When they found the cancer in the lymphs in my groin in 2011, they had to remove the lymphs in the groin and pelvis and then also had to do 6 weeks of…

Today is your 5th birthday – by Simone

My darling beautiful Bella Today is your 5th birthday. And try as I might, I can’t find it in myself today to celebrate. In previous years I have really tried to use the day to celebrate you and the remarkable day you were born rather than letting your death override everything. But today I just can’t. I have been dreading today all week. The thought of you being 5 is somehow particularly hard for me. FIVE! Not a baby anymore but a real little person with your own thoughts, personality, vibe and will. You would have been in grade N.…