From Thomas

My appearance on live TV – the Afternoon Express show – by Simone

I had the privilege to appear on live television yesterday on the Afternoon Express show on SABC 3. It was my first time on television and they all immediately put me at ease. The show is impressively run and it was a privilege to watch it all unfold. I really did just feel like I was sitting on the couch talking to friends and was hardly aware of the cameras etc and what was happening around me.     As you can imagine, most people/commercial organisations shy away from this sort of subject matter – its heavy!! But they were…

Oh, how I failed you – by Simone 

I try to keep these feelings at bay, I try to smother them and not to think about them, but sometimes it’s just too hard and they boil over. The most important thing as a mother is to keep your children safe and alive. You can mess up on absolutely everything else but as long as you keep them alive you have done okay. But I didn’t manage to do that. I failed at the most important thing I was ever given to do. And so everything else I have done in my life seems pointless. Why couldnt I fail…

Our darling Thomas – Today a year ago, you came and went – by Simone

My darling Thomas   Today, a year ago, you came into this world, and then left us within a few hours of meeting you. So much of that day plays over and over again in my head. Like a stuck record, taunting me. And so much of that day is also in a morphine induced fuzziness, the stuff I really want to remember – holding you, touching you, drinking in every detail of you. I have come a long way in my grief, but some parts of it are still so so raw, like it happened just yesterday, fading slowly…

Harsh realities – by Simone 

We are away on holiday. Which is just wonderful and something we have been looking forward to for a long time. And it’s just wonderful here. But this time last year we were here, Bella had only been gone from our lives 7 months and I was pregnant with Thomas. We booked to come back here as we left last year, anticipating that we would be here with Murray and an 8 month old, our little Thomas. But we all know how that ended. As I sit here at the pool watching Murray, he has already told 2 families about…

Good morning my darlings – by Simone

My darlings As I write this I am sitting on your bench in your resting place. On my way to begin my day today I felt a pull, a need, an urge, to come and spend some quiet time with you. To ask for your blessing on today. And so here I sit. Saying my prayers to you, asking that you watch over us, reminding you of how much I love you and how I think of you all the time, too many times a day to count. Belsie, yesterday marked 18 months since you left us, surreal and unbelievable…

Good morning my beautiful children

Good morning my darling Bella and Thomas   Life this last few weeks seems to have been too frantic, too busy, and I feel like I have been in some ways completely pulled into and in other ways completely removed from it, watching it go on around me. I don’t have the energy to multi-task like I usually do and I am feeling pretty flat to be honest. But I am on the treadmill so I keep on moving forward, like it or not.   And so I haven’t been to your special place for about 2 weeks now. But…

Christmas time… – by Simone

My darling Bella and Thomas These milestone days don’t seem to get easier. Oh how palpable my feeling of missing has been the last few days. Not an hour goes by that I don’t think of you, and how life would/should have been. Today is different to this time last year. Last year was raw, my grief often out of control, all consuming. I wasn’t able to step out of my grief to celebrate Christmas at all. I couldn’t laugh, couldn’t pretend, could barely function. This year, a year further down the track, a year of walking this grief journey…

Bella and Thomas’ final resting place – by Simone 

Our darling children Today we laid your ashes to rest. Together, as they should be. In a very very beautiful and special place that we will be able to visit as often as we like. Getting to this point has been a long and hard journey. How do you ever find the perfect place for your child’s ashes to be? But I know that it’s also an important part of the journey of grief. Another milestone that has to be reached. We have visited and thought of so many different places and options and nothing ever felt quite right, until…

A tough few days – by Simone 

My darling Belsie and Thomas It’s been a tough few days, really hard. It goes like that. You are going along “fine” and then suddenly the wave comes, sweeping your feet out from under you. It can often be so very unexpected and not really triggered by anything particular. Just a general sadness and realization of what you have lost, what you so yearn for. Belsie, I have been thinking so very very much about you lately. As more time passes since your death, it’s more and more difficult to imagine what you would have looked like. I see little…

A day filled with my 2 babies – by Simone

My darling Belsie and Thomas   Today has been a day filled with you, my 2 babies – amazing and hard all at the same time.   I started off this morning as I do most days spending some quiet time in your garden, just thinking and feeling closer to you. Murray informed me once again this morning that Sissie was happy because her garden was beautiful.   I then had an experience with 2 girls who wanted to learn more about you – my 2 precious angels, my children in heaven. I will write more about this at a…