From Thomas

A letter to you my darling Thomas – by Simone

Hello my darling little  boy   I don’t often write just to you, its normally to you and your sister, or just to your sister. I guess its a function of losing you when we did, never really getting the opportunity to know you properly, to hold you and love you and to see your personality develop. You were also so very very sick in my tummy for the last 13 days and were born with absolutely everything stacked against you. As I have written about before, when they were wheeling me into theatre to deliver you, I remember praying,…

Hospice Annual talk – Simone

  I had the privilege of speaking at the annual Hospice events in Grahamstown and Kenton this weekend. It was completely daunting but also great to be able to connect with people and hopefully make a difference in some way. Below is a clip of the slideshow I put together that goes with the talk as well as the talk itself in video form with the text below.   It is both an extreme privilege and an incredibly daunting task to stand up here and talk to you today. I look out and see so many faces that I recognise,…

Today you would have been 2 years old – by Simone

My darling Thomas Today you would have been 2 years old my precious little boy. 2 years since all 700grams of you entered this world and fought so hard to live. And 2 years also since you left us, after only being with us for 3 precious hours. I spent time with you and your sister at your bench this morning, did you hear me singing happy birthday to you? Anyone watching would have thought I was a complete nutcase! I was there over the time that, 2 years ago, you decided that it was time to enter this world…

Good morning my sweethearts – by Simone

Good morning my loves As I type this I am sitting at your beautiful resting place. It’s crisp, cold in fact, but so beautiful. The river is fuller than a few months ago and the sound of it running is so soothing. I can hear the grass being cut in the distance. I immediately feel calmer. I am reminded of the words on your plaque, that you are “in each and everything”. Since the interview last Wednesday I have felt quite unhinged, very emotional. I felt a bit like I had been run over by a bus!  I so enjoyed…

My appearance on live TV – the Afternoon Express show – by Simone

I had the privilege to appear on live television yesterday on the Afternoon Express show on SABC 3. It was my first time on television and they all immediately put me at ease. The show is impressively run and it was a privilege to watch it all unfold. I really did just feel like I was sitting on the couch talking to friends and was hardly aware of the cameras etc and what was happening around me.     As you can imagine, most people/commercial organisations shy away from this sort of subject matter – its heavy!! But they were…

Oh, how I failed you – by Simone 

I try to keep these feelings at bay, I try to smother them and not to think about them, but sometimes it’s just too hard and they boil over. The most important thing as a mother is to keep your children safe and alive. You can mess up on absolutely everything else but as long as you keep them alive you have done okay. But I didn’t manage to do that. I failed at the most important thing I was ever given to do. And so everything else I have done in my life seems pointless. Why couldnt I fail…

Our darling Thomas – Today a year ago, you came and went – by Simone

My darling Thomas   Today, a year ago, you came into this world, and then left us within a few hours of meeting you. So much of that day plays over and over again in my head. Like a stuck record, taunting me. And so much of that day is also in a morphine induced fuzziness, the stuff I really want to remember – holding you, touching you, drinking in every detail of you. I have come a long way in my grief, but some parts of it are still so so raw, like it happened just yesterday, fading slowly…

Harsh realities – by Simone 

We are away on holiday. Which is just wonderful and something we have been looking forward to for a long time. And it’s just wonderful here. But this time last year we were here, Bella had only been gone from our lives 7 months and I was pregnant with Thomas. We booked to come back here as we left last year, anticipating that we would be here with Murray and an 8 month old, our little Thomas. But we all know how that ended. As I sit here at the pool watching Murray, he has already told 2 families about…

Good morning my darlings – by Simone

My darlings As I write this I am sitting on your bench in your resting place. On my way to begin my day today I felt a pull, a need, an urge, to come and spend some quiet time with you. To ask for your blessing on today. And so here I sit. Saying my prayers to you, asking that you watch over us, reminding you of how much I love you and how I think of you all the time, too many times a day to count. Belsie, yesterday marked 18 months since you left us, surreal and unbelievable…

Good morning my beautiful children

Good morning my darling Bella and Thomas   Life this last few weeks seems to have been too frantic, too busy, and I feel like I have been in some ways completely pulled into and in other ways completely removed from it, watching it go on around me. I don’t have the energy to multi-task like I usually do and I am feeling pretty flat to be honest. But I am on the treadmill so I keep on moving forward, like it or not.   And so I haven’t been to your special place for about 2 weeks now. But…