From Bella

Your Photobooks my Belsie – by Simone

Hello my darling daughter   So for 3 years I have been putting off doing your Photobooks as I just have not been able to bring myself to immerse myself in your photos, to sort through and choose the “best” ones of you to put in a book. Because every single photo that I do have of you is precious and tells a story, evokes a memory. I have tried a few times, and every time only gotten through a few photos before giving up, just finding it too difficult for me to do and requiring too much strength.  …

Hospice Annual talk – Simone

  I had the privilege of speaking at the annual Hospice events in Grahamstown and Kenton this weekend. It was completely daunting but also great to be able to connect with people and hopefully make a difference in some way. Below is a clip of the slideshow I put together that goes with the talk as well as the talk itself in video form with the text below.   It is both an extreme privilege and an incredibly daunting task to stand up here and talk to you today. I look out and see so many faces that I recognise,…

2 years today you left us – by Simone

  My darling Isabella Lindy Blanckenberg   2 years today, at 7.5 months old you left our world and in doing so irreparably changed our life forever. When you entered our lives you changed them for the better, and when you left it it shattered everything we knew. We were broken down to our bare bones, crawling along the sea bed, not sure if we would ever make it out of the darkness.   These anniversaries come around all too quickly, and its not just about the day itself. Its about the build up to the day and everything that…

The Void – by Simone

My darling Belsie Oh how I miss you baby girl. The void of you not being here seems to get bigger and bigger. You get used to it being there all the time, but it never gets any easier really, It’s funny, everyone prepares you for the first year, for getting through all the firsts. And you think it’s supposed to get easier after that, better somehow. But the picture above really perfectly describes how I feel. While the grief is less raw, less shocking, in some ways the loss is highlighted more and more as time goes on, the…

How I miss our little 2 1/2 year old – by Simone 

My darling Belsie You would have been 2 1/2 years old today my precious child. I got one of those cruel but amazing reminders from Facebook this morning of you at 6 months old. One of my favorite photos of you. That beautiful little face, with that toothless grin and shining blue eyes. It was a physical hit in the stomach, one that makes me reel. It also made me realize that it’s only 6 weeks until the 2nd anniversary of your death, and the dread and apprehension immediately set in. The 15 September has always seemed like a far…

Good morning my sweethearts – by Simone

Good morning my loves As I type this I am sitting at your beautiful resting place. It’s crisp, cold in fact, but so beautiful. The river is fuller than a few months ago and the sound of it running is so soothing. I can hear the grass being cut in the distance. I immediately feel calmer. I am reminded of the words on your plaque, that you are “in each and everything”. Since the interview last Wednesday I have felt quite unhinged, very emotional. I felt a bit like I had been run over by a bus!  I so enjoyed…

My appearance on live TV – the Afternoon Express show – by Simone

I had the privilege to appear on live television yesterday on the Afternoon Express show on SABC 3. It was my first time on television and they all immediately put me at ease. The show is impressively run and it was a privilege to watch it all unfold. I really did just feel like I was sitting on the couch talking to friends and was hardly aware of the cameras etc and what was happening around me.     As you can imagine, most people/commercial organisations shy away from this sort of subject matter – its heavy!! But they were…

Oh, how I failed you – by Simone 

I try to keep these feelings at bay, I try to smother them and not to think about them, but sometimes it’s just too hard and they boil over. The most important thing as a mother is to keep your children safe and alive. You can mess up on absolutely everything else but as long as you keep them alive you have done okay. But I didn’t manage to do that. I failed at the most important thing I was ever given to do. And so everything else I have done in my life seems pointless. Why couldnt I fail…

Harsh realities – by Simone 

We are away on holiday. Which is just wonderful and something we have been looking forward to for a long time. And it’s just wonderful here. But this time last year we were here, Bella had only been gone from our lives 7 months and I was pregnant with Thomas. We booked to come back here as we left last year, anticipating that we would be here with Murray and an 8 month old, our little Thomas. But we all know how that ended. As I sit here at the pool watching Murray, he has already told 2 families about…

Good morning my darlings – by Simone

My darlings As I write this I am sitting on your bench in your resting place. On my way to begin my day today I felt a pull, a need, an urge, to come and spend some quiet time with you. To ask for your blessing on today. And so here I sit. Saying my prayers to you, asking that you watch over us, reminding you of how much I love you and how I think of you all the time, too many times a day to count. Belsie, yesterday marked 18 months since you left us, surreal and unbelievable…