From Bella

My appearance on live TV – the Afternoon Express show – by Simone

I had the privilege to appear on live television yesterday on the Afternoon Express show on SABC 3. It was my first time on television and they all immediately put me at ease. The show is impressively run and it was a privilege to watch it all unfold. I really did just feel like I was sitting on the couch talking to friends and was hardly aware of the cameras etc and what was happening around me.     As you can imagine, most people/commercial organisations shy away from this sort of subject matter – its heavy!! But they were…

Oh, how I failed you – by Simone 

I try to keep these feelings at bay, I try to smother them and not to think about them, but sometimes it’s just too hard and they boil over. The most important thing as a mother is to keep your children safe and alive. You can mess up on absolutely everything else but as long as you keep them alive you have done okay. But I didn’t manage to do that. I failed at the most important thing I was ever given to do. And so everything else I have done in my life seems pointless. Why couldnt I fail…

Harsh realities – by Simone 

We are away on holiday. Which is just wonderful and something we have been looking forward to for a long time. And it’s just wonderful here. But this time last year we were here, Bella had only been gone from our lives 7 months and I was pregnant with Thomas. We booked to come back here as we left last year, anticipating that we would be here with Murray and an 8 month old, our little Thomas. But we all know how that ended. As I sit here at the pool watching Murray, he has already told 2 families about…

Good morning my darlings – by Simone

My darlings As I write this I am sitting on your bench in your resting place. On my way to begin my day today I felt a pull, a need, an urge, to come and spend some quiet time with you. To ask for your blessing on today. And so here I sit. Saying my prayers to you, asking that you watch over us, reminding you of how much I love you and how I think of you all the time, too many times a day to count. Belsie, yesterday marked 18 months since you left us, surreal and unbelievable…

Packing away your bedroom – by Simone 

My darling Belsie This morning was a big morning for me. I took the step of packing up your room. For a long time after you died your room was left just as it was. Slowly bit by bit we have taken certain things from your room – we took the name off your door, took a few things down to put on our memory wall. Some of your clothes that had specific memories for me, I have given to my step-mom Debbie to make into a memory blanket. But there was still a lot of stuff in your room.…

Today is your 2nd birthday Bella Pops – by Simone

My darling Bella   Today is your 2nd birthday. Happy birthday precious baby girl! I am specifically not talking in the past tense – “today would have been your birthday” because today is your birthday. And today I am choosing to celebrate the day you were born, your birth day rather than to mourn that we didn’t get to celebrate your 2nd birthday with you. And doing this is hard, I am not going to lie. Because I am just so so very sad about all the time we didn’t get to have together precious girl. All the hugs and…

Good morning my beautiful children

Good morning my darling Bella and Thomas   Life this last few weeks seems to have been too frantic, too busy, and I feel like I have been in some ways completely pulled into and in other ways completely removed from it, watching it go on around me. I don’t have the energy to multi-task like I usually do and I am feeling pretty flat to be honest. But I am on the treadmill so I keep on moving forward, like it or not.   And so I haven’t been to your special place for about 2 weeks now. But…

Christmas time… – by Simone

My darling Bella and Thomas These milestone days don’t seem to get easier. Oh how palpable my feeling of missing has been the last few days. Not an hour goes by that I don’t think of you, and how life would/should have been. Today is different to this time last year. Last year was raw, my grief often out of control, all consuming. I wasn’t able to step out of my grief to celebrate Christmas at all. I couldn’t laugh, couldn’t pretend, could barely function. This year, a year further down the track, a year of walking this grief journey…

Bella and Thomas’ final resting place – by Simone 

Our darling children Today we laid your ashes to rest. Together, as they should be. In a very very beautiful and special place that we will be able to visit as often as we like. Getting to this point has been a long and hard journey. How do you ever find the perfect place for your child’s ashes to be? But I know that it’s also an important part of the journey of grief. Another milestone that has to be reached. We have visited and thought of so many different places and options and nothing ever felt quite right, until…

A tough few days – by Simone 

My darling Belsie and Thomas It’s been a tough few days, really hard. It goes like that. You are going along “fine” and then suddenly the wave comes, sweeping your feet out from under you. It can often be so very unexpected and not really triggered by anything particular. Just a general sadness and realization of what you have lost, what you so yearn for. Belsie, I have been thinking so very very much about you lately. As more time passes since your death, it’s more and more difficult to imagine what you would have looked like. I see little…