It’s been a tough few days, really hard. It goes like that. You are going along “fine” and then suddenly the wave comes, sweeping your feet out from under you. It can often be so very unexpected and not really triggered by anything particular. Just a general sadness and realization of what you have lost, what you so yearn for.
Belsie, I have been thinking so very very much about you lately. As more time passes since your death, it’s more and more difficult to imagine what you would have looked like. I see little girls around your age and I wonder continuously what you would be like. How long your hair would be, what you would like and dislike, what words you would be saying. Murray and I had such a busy and fun weekend but the entire time I felt this heaviness at the realization that we were doing things that you would be at an age that you would also be enjoying them. And it made me so very very sad. Not just for James and I, but for Murray and that very special bond he will not get to cultivate.
Murray has been absolutely delightful recently. It’s just such an incredible joy to see him growing up (way too quickly), to see his curiosity and the rate at which he learns. The delight he finds in the simple things, his loving and very affectionate nature. He is a real mommies boy at the moment! This morning he took me by the hand and dragged me into your bedroom. He showed me every inch of the room, pointing things out to me. He then opened all your drawers Belsie, pointing out your clothes, dummy, nappies amongst other things. I still get constant questions about the two of you, where you are. A few days ago he asked me specifically how you had got to heaven and if you had flown there like a bird. So so much for a little one to process isn’t it?
And it’s amazing how sometimes when I am having one of those really hard days, when everything is a struggle, something will come along to brighten things a little, often a sign of sorts. I have spoken before about a book I found really touched me, which I read just after Bella died. “Sam and me and the hard pear tree” by Jamie Yeats-Kastner. It was a book that was lent to my by a friend. I have been meaning to get my own copy but just hadn’t gotten there. A few weeks ago I ordered a copy and it arrived yesterday with the most beautiful personal note from Jami inside, which really just spoke to my heart and helped to lift it a little. Thank you Jami for this!
Belsie, today 2 years ago was also the day that you tried to come into this world at 26 weeks, in such a hurry to get going with life! This day will never be forgotten as it’s the birthday of a very special little girl, one I know you would have been the best of friends with. All these memories are still so fresh in my mind, so vivid! All my hopes and dreams still very much alive.
My darling children, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t yearn for you, wishing that things were different and that you were here on this earth with us. But I know and try to accept that that is not the path that life has taken for us. And so in every way I can, I remember you, talk about you, and keep your memory alive.
I love you