From Simone general writing

James and Alcohol – by Simone

As I was driving to work this morning, on Valentine’s Day, I was thinking about my darling husband, how much I love him and how grateful I am for him. I thought back over our last few years and how much we have been challenged, and how strong he has been in facing a particular challenge of his. Some of you may not know this but my husband stopped drinking almost 4 years ago. Prior to this he was an “over-indulger”. It wasn’t that he drank every day. Not at all. But rather that when he drank in a social…

My Lymph Node Transplant – by Simone

This blog started off as a medium to be able to help us cope with the loss of our children, and in that way, also reach out to others and help them cope with their loss in any way that we could. Over time, this has morphed into a bit of a diary about our/my life – covering the death of children, our journey with grief, life’s disappointments, cancer scares, IVF and so much more. And more often than not the honest way in which we share here is pretty scary. Because putting your stuff out there is scary, being…

Sometimes its just plain Sh!t… – by Simone

Today is one of those days. Just a complete emotional all-fall-down day. In fact the last few days have been tougher than normal. And today its 2 years and 1 month since our darling Bella left us.   Sometimes you know exactly where these real emotional lows come from, and other times they just hit you from out of nowhere. I know exactly why I am feeling the way I am feeling but the extent of how and what I am feeling has taken even me by surprise. More recently I have been doing well I think – well relatively…

Bits of our story might be in a book! – by Simone

I had a really cool experience yesterday morning – I got to spend an hour speaking about my darling children, significant events in my life and how they have shaped me.   2 girls from Switzerland, Sandra and Sandra, are putting together a book called “People – Like You and Me”. The goal of the book is to capture a person in photography and then to share their story. Their goal is to capture 80 people and their stories. They are speaking to people about a special turning point in their lives, and how this has defined/changed who they are. Each interview…

Some light appears – by Simone

Its been a little while since I have written. Not because I don’t think of you pretty much every moment of the day my darling child. Because I do.   I feel like I am slowly starting to make a little bit of progress in dealing with my grief. I was in such a dark place for so long, crawling along the seabed, unsure of how to possibly go on, how I would ever see any light. But now slowly, that very heavy feeling on my chest, the near suffocation, the constant darkness is starting to lift. Some days are…

Thank you – by James and Simone

Its been almost 12 months since we started this blog. I must admit that in the beginning I was very skeptical about this whole “blogging” thing, about putting ourselves out there. But we were motivated by 2 things – wanting to ensure that Bella (and then Thomas’) names and memories continued to live on far beyond their time on earth; and wanting to help those who were also travelling a journey of grief. And we think that we have in some way been able to achieve these 2 things over the last year.   But we wanted to thank each…

Our Painting and Vision – by Simone

A few weeks ago I had a very surreal experience. I went for a run and while listening to my iPod, “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban started to play. Not only is this a beautiful song and incredibly pertinent for right now, this is also the song that my dear friend Sass (Sarah Stuart (van Lingen)) walked down the aisle to. Sass died tragically 2.5 years ago leaving her husband, family and 2 beautiful boys behind. The song was playing loudly in my ears and my entire mind and body were filled with the words of this wonderful song.   I…

Taking time to acknowledge and celebrate the good – by Simone

Its easy to become bogged down in the bad and to start believing that nothing good will ever happen. Well not easy, but after all the challenges that have been thrown our way the last 9 months, the bad can sometimes overwhelm. And so today I take time to acknowledge and celebrate the good. I had a PET scan yesterday and I got the results today – its all clear! The relief couldn’t be more real and quite frankly, overwhelming. After my bad blood results 4 months ago, the death of Bella and Thomas, and the stress that my body…

When everything just feels wrong – by Simone

Everything feels wrong, uncomfortable, out of place. The only thing that doesn’t feel wrong at the moment is sleeping. It’s the only time I can escape from everything that is going on in my head, the only time that I can “forget”.   – I wake up in the morning and it feels wrong because I am so so tired and all I want to do is sleep – I get up, shower, get dressed and put make-up on to try and make myself look a bit presentable, but it feels wrong because I don’t want to look “okay”. I…

When your already broken heart shatters – by Simone

Where to begin, oh where to begin…the last 16 days have been a complete and absolute rollercoaster ride of emotions. From initially thinking we were losing baby Thomas 2 Thursday’s ago, to things seeming to stabilise a bit; to a terrible scan, to a somewhat improved scan; from one medical complication to another; to being allowed out of hospital for a few hours 2 days in a row as a test drive to see how things went; to making it to 26 weeks and being allowed to go home with strict instructions around bed rest; to being back in hospital…