Today 5 years ago my darling little boy you entered our world – the teeny tiny little bundle that you were, all 700g of you. Today is your birthday…but also the day that you died…the dichotomy of that is so so tough to deal with so often. Celebration and mourning all in a few short hours.
So many parts of that fateful Wednesday and the 2 weeks before that time where I fought for both of us tooth and nail are still so clear to me and yet other parts of it, the real trauma and stress of it has dulled. So much of that trauma, the PTSD, haunted me so much in those early years. But some parts of that time have faded that I wish hadn’t – particularly that time where I got to hold you, and had to say goodbye. How I wish I remembered that better and that it wasn’t shrouded in a morphine induced cloud. How I wish I had spent more time, taken more pictures – just thinking about it again brings such a rush of emotions, impossible to put into words. Oh Thomas, the things I wish I had known then.
My darling Thomas, wow, you would have been 5 today. Because you were born so so prem and with so many complications I have never really allowed myself to think about what would have been had you gone to term and been born healthy and well. I have never allowed that narrative to play out in my every day life. Perhaps that is my way of protecting myself, of torturing myself a little less? And perhaps also there wasn’t space to play that story forward for both you and Bella, I am not sure my heart could take it every day.
Your brother has been asking to see a picture of you. He tells people about you, but also tells them that he has never seen a photograph of you. I have held back with photos as I was worried he would find it disturbing with all the pipes and tubes etc. But the other day I showed him, when he once again asked. And he was very matter of fact, asked me lots of questions, and didn’t really seem disturbed about it at all. It almost seemed to bring clarity for things in a certain way for him.
Oh baby boy, how we miss you, and how we wish life had been different. But we carry on, as we have to, content with our family unit and living the best life that we possibly can, if for no other reason than to honour you and your precious sister and the lives you didn’t get to live. Just because I don’t cry for you every day any more does not mean that I don’t miss you deeply and feel the hole where you should have been so acutely. You are loved, you are treasured, you existed, you are ours – forever our son and Murray and Bella’s little brother.
Today we celebrate you, precious Thomas Martin Blanckenberg – we celebrate the day you entered this world, the precious few hours we had with you, the people who fought so vehemently to save you. And we also accept the outcome, knowing life doesn’t play out as we have planned it, and knowing we are so so blessed nonetheless.
We love you precious boy, my darling third born.
Love you mom x