Hello my darling little boy
I don’t often write just to you, its normally to you and your sister, or just to your sister. I guess its a function of losing you when we did, never really getting the opportunity to know you properly, to hold you and love you and to see your personality develop. You were also so very very sick in my tummy for the last 13 days and were born with absolutely everything stacked against you. As I have written about before, when they were wheeling me into theatre to deliver you, I remember praying, asking God to let you be “okay” and I have made peace with the fact that the only way you could be “okay” given how sick you were when you were born, was to die.
And yet, while my head knows this, my heart longs for you and for what we were robbed of. It was World Prematurity Day on Saturday and I have never marked the day before, and yet this weekend, it really hit me. I spent so long looking at the 3 photos that we have of you, something I haven’t done in a very long time, finding it too hard. It was always one of my regrets, that we didn’t have more photos of you, ones without all the pipes and tubes. I remember when I was holding you in my arms, the only time I got to cradle you, the nurse asking me if we had photos of you and I said yes, that we did, being too devastated and drugged on morphine to really think about it, and also not really being able to think about having photos taken of my dying/dead child. How I have wished since then that we had so so many more photos of you, as its the only memory and thing I have of you to hold on to.
I have also never shared these 3 photos on this forum or with anyone really. And I haven’t been able to figure out why? Is it because it is too raw, makes me too vulnerable, is too scary, that they aren’t the “perfect picture”? That the pictures of you would freak people out too much, would show how small and little you really were, not “perfect” in peoples image of what a newborn should look like. That they are actually just too damn hard for me to look at? I still don’t know what the answer is or why I decided to share the picture yesterday or write today. Maybe its because I also want to give you your own voice in my life, because nobody knew you and because I feel like your existence is too often forgotten.
I also think I am feeling so sad at the moment because had our last pregnancy worked out, instead of me miscarrying so traumatically, I would be cradling a newborn in my arms right now, a little boy only about 3 weeks old. But everything didn’t go according to plan, and I am so grateful to be alive despite everything, and yet I still feel really really devastated and empty. This morning, I inadvertently walked through the baby section of Woolies to get to the groceries and there were these tiny little babygros and they made me feel so so incredibly sad. And I yearn so so much to have another baby, another little being to nurture and to treasure. I understand in my head that this is not our reality, despite all out efforts over the last 3 years to the contrary but it doesn’t stop me wanting it so so desperately to be different.
So my baby boy, I guess my ramblings are to say that I love you so very very much, and I think of you every day and miss you, as I do your sister. You will always be my precious third born, the little angel sent to comfort me in those very dark early days after Bella died. I am so so sorry that my body failed you and that your and my outcome was not different. That you aren’t now a mischievous, active 2.5 year old, bringing new joy to us every day alongside your precious brother.
Love to you always