My darling Thomas
Today you would have been 2 years old my precious little boy. 2 years since all 700grams of you entered this world and fought so hard to live. And 2 years also since you left us, after only being with us for 3 precious hours.
I spent time with you and your sister at your bench this morning, did you hear me singing happy birthday to you? Anyone watching would have thought I was a complete nutcase! I was there over the time that, 2 years ago, you decided that it was time to enter this world whether we wanted you to or not, and so much of those 2 hours is so so vivid to me. The panic and rush, the forms being shoved in front of me to be signed, your dad arriving just in time, the uncontrollable shaking, the huge hurry to get you out, and how hard the doctors fought to keep you alive. And then so much of the time you died is a blur to me – a morphine induced blur – and for that I am both grateful and sad. Grateful that I can’t remember the full extent of those awful moments when we had held you and said goodbye, but also so so sad that I don’t remember very moment of that precious short time we got with you.
Today has been okay relatively speaking. I have felt very tired, after having a few days of feeling a bit better, but work was very busy today which was a welcome distraction. Your dad and I went out for dinner a little earlier to one of our favorite restaurants and that was also good for us – good food for the soul after the last few horrible months.
I don’t often allow myself to think about how it would have been had you lived. I don’t know if that is the way that my brain subconsciously protects me from the heartache of that? All the what ifs and if onlys that can completely consume you. Your darling brother is still so desperate for a sibling. He was asking me all about you and Sissie the other day and when he was going to get another brother or sister. He told me to go to the hospital and get one please as he really wanted one now. If only life was that easy hey?
I am really really battling to get my head around not having any more children, that Murray will grow up as an only child, that our vision for our family will not be fulfilled. It’s tough. But I know that for now certainly, I can’t think any other way than that. I really have to listen to my body now. As I was growing up I was taught that I could achieve anything I put my mind to. And if it didn’t happen I just had to try harder and I would eventually succeed. I truly have been shown the last few months, that it doesn’t matter how strong my mind is, my body has taken over and said enough is enough, that I can’t push it any harder, that if I persist in allowing my brain to try and override what my body is saying, I will not survive, literally. I have had too many close health calls lately, to continue to believe that I am invincible. I need to stop and listen and go against my natural instincts, and that is really hard! I need to ensure that I am around to be the best mom that I can possibly be to our precious little Murray.
My baby boy, know how much I missed you today, but that I used today to celebrate the day that you were born and those precious few hours we had with you.
I love you with all my heart and miss you every day