My darling sweet Bella
Happy 6th birthday sweetest child of mine. Oh how I wish with every part of my being that you were here for us to celebrate you.
Oh how I yearn for you. For every part of you. The good, the bad, the easy, the difficult, and everything inbetween.
The build up to this day always hangs over me for weeks before, I wonder if that will ever change or become easier? I have been playing over and over in my head the day you were born. That wonderful day that you decided to surprise us all and arrive early. Every detail is imprinted in my memory. The first moment that I got to hold you, when you were placed into my arms. That silent, intense look into my eyes (so different to the yelling bundle that your brother had been) and you embedded yourself in my heart forever.
I battle to find anything profound to say on these days. I can’t feel anything except a deep deep sense of loss and sadness. I want to try and be grateful for all that I do have, because I really really am deeply grateful, but today I can’t practice gratitude. The sadness is just too much. And it’s not a vocal, wailing kind of sadness, just the deep, deep, heaviness that permeates every part of me. That makes tears well up in my eyes at a single thought of you.
For many years I have been able to escape into work, using it as a sanctuary of sorts, a safe space for me. I could throw myself into something I loved and enjoyed, something I could mould and largely control, surrounded by people who just got it. But there have been some changes in my work environment of late and work is none of these things for me anymore. And I wonder if that is why I have also been so emotional and found the build up so difficult this year?
I wonder so much
⁃ what you would look like. How that beautiful little face of yours would have grown and changed? Your eyes, your hair. Every single detail of you
⁃ What your personality would be like? Shy, outgoing, confident, quiet?
⁃ What you would have liked? A girly girl or a Tom boy?
⁃ Your relationship with your Brother who still misses you so and talks about you so often. He just cried and hugged me when I told him that today was your birthday.
⁃ What your interests would have been? Art, sport, unicorns, fairies, animals, reading, writing?
⁃ How our family life would be different? I wonder this so so often. And try to feel grateful rather than resentful. But wow that is sometimes so so hard!
⁃ Whether you would have liked school, the things you would have found easy and difficult.
There are just so many things I wonder, so many things I will never know. And I grieve that every day, but especially today. That wondering and never knowing is really really hard!
Know that we miss you and think of you every single day. Not a day goes by that you are not remembered, loved and the void you left so keenly felt. You are our daughter, our precious precious child. We are forever grateful for you, for every single second and moment we did get with you. It will never feel like enough, but we will treasure what we did get with you.
Sending love to you my precious child. I will always so proudly be your mom!