Today is your 4th birthday Bella – by Simone

Happy 4th birthday my precious angel daughter! Oh how clearly I remember that day you were born. You being placed in my arms for the first time on that Sunday, so calm and peaceful, no screaming the room down as your brother had done! You were a joy from that moment on. And we continue to find times of joy through your memory and through what you continue to teach us, even though you are not here.

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This year your birthday feels slightly different in that your darling brother is so so excited about it and has insisted that we mark your birthday with a celebration – cake, balloons, singing and special people. From November last year he has been asking me when your birthday is, checking in every now and then to make sure we haven’t missed it. And the last week or so he has been able to talk about little else. He has it very clear in his head how he wants your day to be celebrated and even wrote a list of the people he wanted to come to celebrate with us. All week at school he has been telling everyone that cares to listen that it is your birthday, and that we are going to have a party especially fpr you. I even got a panicked phone call from Connie a few days ago as when she had gone to fetch him from school he had invited all his friends at sport as well as their moms, and she hadn’t known how to handle it.

 

So with Murray driving this celebration it takes a lot of pressure off me in terms of deciding “what to do”. How to mark your special day. And I am so so grateful to your brother for unknowingly doing this and for helping me in so many ways. For making it “easier” to celebrate the amazing day you were born. And to feel more happiness than sadness in seeing him being so excited to celebrate you. I kept on waiting for him to bring up presents and if he was going to get any (he REALLY loves presents), thinking that that might be the motivating factor for his excitement. But he hasn’t even mentioned it once. He just wants to make sure that we celebrate you! And so we had cake and cupcakes, candles, balloons and we sang Happy Birthday to you, sending so so much love to you precious daughter.

 

Today I also spent some time with you and Thomas at your resting place, just quietly thinking of you. And while doing that listening to Richman singing Amazing Grace at your funeral, a song I always always associate with the 2 of you. On these days I really do try to use them to reflect on those beautiful 7.5 months we did have with you, rather than to mourn that the time was so brutally short. I try not to dwell on what should/could have been – what you would have looked like, how your little personality would be showing itself. Your likes and dislikes, whether you would have liked pink, unicorns and princesses, or if you would have been more of a tomboy. Who your friends would have been, whether you would have enjoyed your new school. I know that your brother would have loved you fiercely, he still does.

 

It remains amazing to me that your brother seems to have such a memory of you and connection to you. He asks me so many questions about you, so so often. Especially in the build up to today. He really seems to feel you in his heart. He very seldom talks about you or asks questions in a distressed away. Mostly it is almost a statement of fact, or part of his growing curiosity as his brain develops and he is able to process more and more. You were also remembered by so many with heartfelt messages, cards, visits and flowers and I love knowing that you are remembered by so many, people who love and support us.

 

We celebrate you today and every day my darling girl. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. That I don’t wish that things were different, that you were here with us on this earth, rather than us mourning your loss. That we were watching you growing up, rather than wondering how it would have been as you grew up. You have changed me in so many ways, your mark on me forever present. Thank you baby girl, for all that you continue to teach me and show me and for everything that you are to me.

 

I love you with every fibre of my being.

 

Your mom

xx

 

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