You make my heart so warm darling Murray!

  My darling Murray   You had your grommets re-done this morning, and while its a tiny operation, these things always do make me anxious. You reacted so badly to your last 2 anaesthetics and it seems that you get post-operative delirium after anaesthetics. The anaethetist treated you with different meds this time around and our experience was completely different, thank goodness, all calm! You sit still for so little these days and aren’t big on cuddling unless its the middle of the night and you want me to lie with you! So to have you still and quiet for…

Oh, how I failed you – by Simone 

I try to keep these feelings at bay, I try to smother them and not to think about them, but sometimes it’s just too hard and they boil over. The most important thing as a mother is to keep your children safe and alive. You can mess up on absolutely everything else but as long as you keep them alive you have done okay. But I didn’t manage to do that. I failed at the most important thing I was ever given to do. And so everything else I have done in my life seems pointless. Why couldnt I fail…

What to do when your friend loses a baby – by Simone

It was the first anniversary of our Thomas’ birth and death last week, and wow, it was tough! It was tough for all the “normal” reasons but something which made it even harder was that I felt almost completely alone. Very few people, family and friends alike, remembered the significance of the day, until I posted something on this blog, and while I shouldn’t find this hard, I did. I want to scream from the rooftops “he existed, he was real, he was my baby, he lived!” but I know that to almost everybody he wasn’t real. They never physically…

Our darling Thomas – Today a year ago, you came and went – by Simone

My darling Thomas   Today, a year ago, you came into this world, and then left us within a few hours of meeting you. So much of that day plays over and over again in my head. Like a stuck record, taunting me. And so much of that day is also in a morphine induced fuzziness, the stuff I really want to remember – holding you, touching you, drinking in every detail of you. I have come a long way in my grief, but some parts of it are still so so raw, like it happened just yesterday, fading slowly…

Option B – you have got to read this book – by Simone

  I have always been a big fan of Sheryl Sandberg and loved her book Lean In. Her second book which has just been released is called Option B. It’s brilliant! A very personal account of her experiences from losing her husband, but also an excellent grief handbook. It gives really useful tools in terms of how to deal with grief on every level – personally, with your kids, from a work perspective and how to enable and help those that are grieving. What she highlights so well, is that while losing a husband/child/loved one is one of the worst…

Harsh realities – by Simone 

We are away on holiday. Which is just wonderful and something we have been looking forward to for a long time. And it’s just wonderful here. But this time last year we were here, Bella had only been gone from our lives 7 months and I was pregnant with Thomas. We booked to come back here as we left last year, anticipating that we would be here with Murray and an 8 month old, our little Thomas. But we all know how that ended. As I sit here at the pool watching Murray, he has already told 2 families about…

That much tainted word…THERAPY – by Simone

That dreaded word..Shhh, don’t say it too loud, someone might hear and think you are crazy. THERAPY. PSYCHOLOGIST. PSYCHIATRIST. There are very few people who are able to stand up proudly and announce that they are having or have had therapy. And when you hear someone is in therapy, you generally can’t help but wonder what is “wrong” with them. What do they have issues with that they can’t solve on their own? What has messed them up? Why on earth would they be depressed? For some reason there is still a massive stigma around therapy, psychologists and psychiatrists and…

Making Mountains interview – by Simone

For those of you that may have missed it, here is the interview I did with Belinda Mountain. Thank you for the opportunity, I so appreciate it!   http://www.makingmountains.co.za/2017/03/02/meet-mom-simone/ In Simone’s words: On the afternoon of 15 September 2015 our lives changed forever. Our beautiful, perfect daughter Isabella, 7 ½ months old, died tragically. “Belsie” asphyxiated on her own vomit in her cot and help was too late to bring her back. On the morning of 4 May 2016, our son Thomas was born prematurely at 26 weeks and 3 days. We had much hope for his survival but he only…

Good morning my darlings – by Simone

My darlings As I write this I am sitting on your bench in your resting place. On my way to begin my day today I felt a pull, a need, an urge, to come and spend some quiet time with you. To ask for your blessing on today. And so here I sit. Saying my prayers to you, asking that you watch over us, reminding you of how much I love you and how I think of you all the time, too many times a day to count. Belsie, yesterday marked 18 months since you left us, surreal and unbelievable…

Packing away your bedroom – by Simone 

My darling Belsie This morning was a big morning for me. I took the step of packing up your room. For a long time after you died your room was left just as it was. Slowly bit by bit we have taken certain things from your room – we took the name off your door, took a few things down to put on our memory wall. Some of your clothes that had specific memories for me, I have given to my step-mom Debbie to make into a memory blanket. But there was still a lot of stuff in your room.…