My Darling Bella
Its 5 years today that you died. How on earth is that possible? In some ways just a moment ago, in other ways a lifetime ago. You died on a Tuesday afternoon, and today, 5 years later, we come around to it being a Tuesday again. Its also the first year where we haven’t gone away, haven’t hidden away from the world where no-one can find us. And so all of this has been playing on my mind, and to be honest, freaking me out.
I can’t be in our home around the time that you died, that is just too hard for me, too many memories, too many “what ifs”. While the weeks and months after your death are a complete blur, the day you died is still crystal clear to me. I even remember what I was wearing that day. The phone call at work, the drive home not knowing what was happening, the scene I arrived home to. Sprinting up the hill. Telling your dad and PopPops. The people that were there that day. Holding you and having to say goodbye, the warmth having seeped out of your little body. Wanting to hold onto you forever and not being able to. Having to hand you over. Returning to our house, to our precious Murray. Bathing him and putting him to bed. No sleep.
And so I have gone to be with you at your resting place, to spend some one-on-one time with you. Somehow it feels easier to be here with you than at home. To try and still my mind and comfort my heart. Because I honestly feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin. These days are so deeply uncomfortable and hard.
I had such a lovely hike with Aunty Sam this morning. That was a good way to spend the morning. We hiked up to the top of the mountain and then shared coffee (in my case milo!) and rusks. Sam built a little alter for you and included flowers we had picked on the walk. I then wrote you a letter which we burnt. Did you get my words darling Bella, meant especially and only for you? I meant every word my darling daughter.
How I miss you, every single part of you. I yearn to know what you would have looked like? Those smiley blue eyes, that radiant little face. I wonder how your personality would have developed, what you would have liked and disliked? Your journey at school and making friends, the things you would have found easy and difficult. How our family would have been different. Your relationship with Murray. You are still such a big part of his life, its quite amazing really. He speaks about you so often, asking me many questions, some very hard for me to answer. Either because I don’t have the answers or because the words are so hard to say.
Baby girl of ours, I am just so so sorry that I couldn’t keep you safe. While your death has taught me so much and has changed me in ways I can never explain or comprehend, gosh, how I wish things were different. That you were still here with us on earth. That our life as we knew it had not been shattered into a million pieces, impossible to put back together again. I have grown, I have been shaped, I have learnt to be vulnerable, I have learnt what really matters in life. I have learnt what really matters in grief and how to step up. I have helped others through their grief and made some amazing new friends by being part of this club. But I would give all this up to go back and re-write history and have you here with me again.
Bella, Belsie, Darling daughter of ours. You are loved, you are missed, you are yearned for. Every single day. But today especially.
Always your loving mom