Oh my Belsie, my darling daughter   How I have dreaded this day… for weeks and months now…the day 1 year ago that you left this earth. Each day this week prior to today has been almost unbearable, the anticipation of today almost eating me alive. In all that I have read they say that apparently the build up to the day is generally worse than the day itself? And I must say, I woke up this morning with a sense of calm and peace, not as distraught and devastated as I have been the last few days. I can…

My darling Bella   It’s dark here, very very dark.   The massive waves come constantly and I feel like I am being held under water indefinitely. I feel like it’s the worst it’s been in the last 11 months. The undealt with grief from your death and the grief and trauma from your brother’s death. It’s all just so so much, too much. Thank goodness your dad is doing okay at the moment and he can carry us both. As exhausting as this grief is for me, I know it is also so hard for him as he feels…

  My darling Belsie   Its been 10 whole months since you left us, and I still think of that day, almost obsessively. Playing it over and over again in my head, reliving each moment, tormenting myself a lot of the time.   I think of your beautiful smiling little face, the way rays of sunshine would literally beam from it, and I wonder how you would look now. I see your little friends progressing, developing, growing and changing and it makes me so very sad that I will never get to experience that with you. Its this deep, deep…

My darling Belsie Its 9 months today – how is that possible? Oh my darling girl, in so many ways it feels so surreal still, the reality of it still not quite hitting home. I am feeling so very very flat, just blah. I am not crying all the time like I was a few weeks ago, but tears always feel very close to the surface. My memory is shot. I don’t remember simple things from one moment to the next and unless I write something down as I think of it, the next moment it is forgotten. I don’t…

My darling daughter   It’s 8 months today since you left us, and I can find no words. I have cried more than I knew was possible in the last 11 days. Crying for the loss of you all over again, crying for the loss of your brother, crying for the loss of hope, for the shattered dreams. I found it so hard to cry those first 3 months after you died, while I was still so deep in shock. But this time, I just cry and cry. I think the shock is less, but the trauma more if that…

Hi my gorgeous Belsie angel   7 months today since you left us, how is that possible? Gosh, the months seem to just roll into each other. I miss you baby girl, so much, all the time. You are always at the forefront of my mind, always!   I was in such a bad place emotionally a little while ago. I wasn’t coping at all with pretty much any aspect of life. But I have been feeling the last 3 week or so like I am able to cope a little better. Like my head is popping up above the…

My darling Belsie   Today we head off on holiday for a bit (and you would have been 14 months old today). It’s a holiday that we booked when you were still alive, with a few other families, all with children of similar ages. The holiday had so many dreams, thoughts and hopes attached to it. It’s taken quite a mindset shift to get my head around you not coming with us, the holiday not being as I had imagined it would be.   I wasn’t able to sleep last night so got up to watch TV. Note to self:…