My darling Belsie
Its 9 months today – how is that possible? Oh my darling girl, in so many ways it feels so surreal still, the reality of it still not quite hitting home. I am feeling so very very flat, just blah. I am not crying all the time like I was a few weeks ago, but tears always feel very close to the surface. My memory is shot. I don’t remember simple things from one moment to the next and unless I write something down as I think of it, the next moment it is forgotten. I don’t pick up simple mistakes and errors that I make which is unlike me. My mind really just isn’t on this planet. It’s absorbed with thoughts of you and your brother so so much of the day and night.
Your brother had grommets done on Friday and while I know it’s a really simple operation I was totally stressing about it, him being in hospital and having an anaesthetic etc. I have such a huge fear that something is going to happen to him. When we checked in the Paed ward was full. So they sent us to another ward. And how weird is this, they put us in the exact room that we were in when you were born. Of all the rooms in the entire hospital! I remember so very fondly those days we spent there, just you and I, bonding and getting to know each other. So I chose to see that as a sign that you were with us, and looking after us, and that it was all going to be okay. Anyway, the op all went fine and besides your brother being exceptionally confused and angry post the anaesthetic we did okay.
I am getting better at being honest with people when they ask me how many children I have, or something about you. I have been trying to avoid putting myself in situations where I feel “unsafe” but had to go to a work conference last week and take Murray to a birthday party today of a boy from school were I didn’t really know anybody else – and where it was inevitable that somebody was going to ask. And so I answered honestly despite how uncomfortable I knew it would make the person feel. And while it was hard, it felt good to be honest and not to deny you or your brothers existence. Before I go to these sorts of things I play the scenario over in my head and practice what I will say so that it’s easier for me to get it out, to be honest.
I was in your room this weekend, going through clothes I wanted to give to Debbie who is going to make a “memory blanket” for me out of some of your clothes. All the “current” clothes that you were wearing before you died are still in the draw, and I was looking in the draw to see what clothes I wanted to set aside. The outfit that you died in is in there too, right on the top of the pile, washed and with the dummy and dummy chain still attached. Every time I see it I feel like I am right back there again, it breaks my heart again and again.
Baby girl, my angel child, I love you with every part of me.
Your mom Xx