7 months today since you left us, how is that possible? Gosh, the months seem to just roll into each other. I miss you baby girl, so much, all the time. You are always at the forefront of my mind, always!
I was in such a bad place emotionally a little while ago. I wasn’t coping at all with pretty much any aspect of life. But I have been feeling the last 3 week or so like I am able to cope a little better. Like my head is popping up above the waters edge a little as opposed to completely drowning all the time. Its also amazing how my better emotional state has had an impact on Murray, scary really. He has also been struggling but the last little while has just been so much more content, happy and relaxed. He still asks for you all the time baby girl. When we got home from our holiday he insisted on going into your room to see if you were there and I had to explain to him again that you are in heaven. He doesn’t like my explanation and answers, or lack thereof! He is also completely obsessed with little babies. Just wants to kiss and hug every single little one he sees. Its very sweet, and makes my heart sore for what he is missing out on with his loss of you, his special sweet little sister.
I am starting to show pregnancy wise now, there is no hiding the upcoming arrival of your brother and that brings with it its own challenges. Strangers ask how far I am, how many children I have etc, and the question is SOOOO difficult to answer! Because I want to be real and authentic and to scream your name from the rooftops and to honour you in whatever way I can, but sometimes that question is just too painful to answer truthfully. Because the ultimate flow of the conversation is generally “You are pregnant, how lovely. How far are you? How many children do you have? How old are they?” and then you land up having to tell a complete stranger about our loss of you and be emotional in front of them, which is often more than I can cope with. But it makes me feel so so awful when I “deny” you and your existence in this way. Like I am betraying you. Because my darling love child, I am so so proud of you, of everything that you are my precious daughter, but I know you know that!
Another challenge this brings is the requirement to pack up your room and to create a room for your brother. This is really really weighing on me. What to do, how to do it, where to get the energy to make this a joyous experience. So I have lots of thoughts going around in my head, but nothing that seems quite right for now. We have a bit of time still to decide what to do and I am hoping that it will become clear to me in time. And that I will be able to find the strength to emotionally deal with this step in my grieving process. And in preparing for the arrival of your brother, this precious gift that you have sent us, our rainbow child.
Your brother has been sick this week – high temperature, vomiting, chest etc. Nothing serious and he is on the mend, but it doesn’t stop my worry and major paranoia kicking in. That something is going to happen to him. I have been trying to calm myself but its really really hard and I realise that I have a LONG way to go in coming to terms with all these feelings and not letting my paranoia drive me insane.
We had a really wonderful holiday away, it was good time for all of us and completely relaxing. But I missed you so very very much, all the time and so so wished you could have been with us. So I comforted myself with the thought that you weren’t far away, that you were looking down on us, and being a part of our holiday, even though you weren’t physically with us.
I love and miss you baby girl, all the time.