My darling Belsie
Wow, it’s been a rather awful 48 hours! How do I even begin?
Your gift you sent to us, our blessing from you, your baby brother…I thought I was losing him on Thursday morning. I thought you were calling him back to you.
I was standing quietly at a school Open Day at the school we hope Murray will be attending from 2018, and at around 9am I started to feel weird, different “down there”. Could my bladder control be that bad? Surely not? What the hell was going on? I tried to ignore it for a minute or 2 but just keep on feeling more and more “stuff” discharging itself, and I figured I had better take a peak. I quietly sneaked into one of the boys bathrooms (I definitely would have looked like a potential Paedophile had anyone been watching!) and had a look. There was blood, a lot, and it was rolling down my leg.
The panic…it set in….I knew I had to get back to my car and to the hospital immediately but I couldn’t remember how to find the underground tunnel we had used to cross the road in the first place! I was only 24 weeks and 4 days, you are too little, this can’t be happening! While trying to focus on this I phoned my Gynaes rooms who instructed me to come straight into labour Ward and they would meet me there. I then phoned your dad and all he got was ‘Love I am bleeding, meet me at the hospital now’. After these 2 calls I managed to calm myself enough to get to the car and try to drive to the hospital in what I hoped would be record time! Manic on the roads with excessive traffic due to rain, people forgetting how to drive because of a bit of water on their windscreen and me needing to get somewhere in a serious hurry, and driving like a maniac I am sure. It’s the worst car trip of my life, I thought I was losing your gift to us, I thought I was losing another child.
Another thing that kept going through my head on the drive was that that afternoon was also Martins’s funeral Belsie, and I just knew I wouldn’t be able to make it, and that just caused further devastation and distress. Martin was like a second father to me, and the thought of not being able to be at this final goodbye just so so hard. But I know the 2 of you are watching down on us!
Dad was on the phone to me most of the way wanting to know where I was as he had got to the hospital ahead of me. One of his question to me was “What does this mean?” and I just remember shouting down the phone “I don’t know” because I couldn’t possibly verbalise the fears which were filling my head. As I pulled up outside the hospital, dad was waiting for me with a wheel chair and while he parked my car the porter wheeled me straight up to labour ward.
They were waiting for me. The first nurse I saw was this amazing woman who helped me so much when I went into preterm labour with you and then later when you arrived at 37 weeks. She took one look at me, said “what on earth are you doing back here” and jumped into action. She obviously started to ask about you and Murray and how old you were now etc and so I told her about our loss of you. She was so wonderful and immediately also understood what a precious gift your brother is.
They got me onto a bed and started to prepare me to be examined when Steffi my Gynae arrived. The only thing I was interested in knowing was whether your brothers heart was beating as I hadn’t felt movement since earlier that morning. The nurse came through with the Doppler and started to listen for a heartbeat. I didn’t breath, I didn’t move, but inside my head I was screaming! She battled to find your heartbeat easily (mine kept on coming though) but then suddenly you could hear it, that and you kicking at the monitor. The relief I felt is something I will never be able to explain, and James and I both just started to sob.
At this stage Steffi our Gynae walked in, took one look at me (the normally incredibly emotional controlled woman she knows) and in her wonderfully Germanic way said “falling apart are we?”. I just nodded and she said “don’t worry, I am here and will take care of you” and that she did. We managed to establish that my cervix was not dilated at all (I was not in labour) and that baba didn’t seem to be in distress. They immediately started to give me steroids for his lungs incase this situation changed and he was going to make an early appearance. A nurse from the baby maternity unit also remembered me and could see my distress and had been told of our loss of you. She was so wonderful in also comforting me and came to pray over us as I cried.
Fast forward nearly 48 hours…
The bleeding and pain seems to be much lighter now. I have had another bout of very very heavy bleeding but the last 24 hours have been much more controlled. They have scanned me fully and my cervix is closed and the placenta looks good. There is nothing obvious to be seen that is causing the bleed (apparently this is the case in a huge amount of bleeding). There is a mass on the side of my placenta which they can’t identify at this stage but which Steffi doesn’t think is causing the bleed or interfering at all. But we will check this out more fully on Tuesday. Baba is slightly below where he should be from a growth perspective but we will also more fully check this out on Tuesday. Again, probably nothing to worry about. I am on full bed rest in hospital for now and we will reassess things on Monday once the bleeding has hopefully stopped. Because of my blood disorder (I clot too easily) I always take blood thinners (Clexane) during pregnancy to avoid the risk of a clot to both me and baby. They didn’t give me Clexane yesterday as this could be exacerbating the bleed and will make a call today on what to do. It’s a bit of a catch 22 situation at this stage which we need to try and manage. Nothing is ever simple with me is it Belsie? 😀
The staff here have been truly phenomenal. From my amazing Gynae, Steffi and Paed Paul to their incredible staff; to the nursing staff in the hospital who could not have been more attentive but have also known when to give me some space! I truly feel like I am in the best hands.
Belsie, I have been praying so much to you and to God. To protect us and love us and let your brother be okay. I know you hear my prayers.
I love you baby girl, with all my heart. Look after your little brother from up there please!