My little boy Had everything gone according to plan, you would have been born today. It is very, very hard to get my head around the fact that this is no longer our journey. I yearn for what could have been, what would be happening today, for the excitement and miracle of life. I realise that I haven’t really written properly about you, your birth story. And I think about it all the time, obsessing about it, flashing back to it. So I thought writing about it might help me process a bit. I found out I was…
“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” ― William Shakespeare, Macbeth
By Recover the gift
I am fellow traveler on life's often tumultuous roads. I have lived and worked through several life changing traumas and experiences which have shaped my path. I strive to help others overcome adversity and lead fulfilled and flourishing lives.
I have a special interest in Addiction Education and Recovery Coaching, Grief Counselling and general positive life orientation.
10 months today my Belsie – by Simone
My darling Belsie Its been 10 whole months since you left us, and I still think of that day, almost obsessively. Playing it over and over again in my head, reliving each moment, tormenting myself a lot of the time. I think of your beautiful smiling little face, the way rays of sunshine would literally beam from it, and I wonder how you would look now. I see your little friends progressing, developing, growing and changing and it makes me so very sad that I will never get to experience that with you. Its this deep, deep…
2 months today darling boy – by Simone
My darling little Thomas Its been 2 months today since you entered our world and then so tragically left it to join your sister. My heart is still so heavy, any small thing setting me off in floods of tears. I got a tattoo on the inside of my left wrist after your sister died so that I would always have her name and her memory emblazoned on me, always with me. And so I have done the same for you, on the inside of my right wrist. An image of a mother and child, 2 hearts joined always, with…
Taking time to acknowledge and celebrate the good – by Simone
Its easy to become bogged down in the bad and to start believing that nothing good will ever happen. Well not easy, but after all the challenges that have been thrown our way the last 9 months, the bad can sometimes overwhelm. And so today I take time to acknowledge and celebrate the good. I had a PET scan yesterday and I got the results today – its all clear! The relief couldn’t be more real and quite frankly, overwhelming. After my bad blood results 4 months ago, the death of Bella and Thomas, and the stress that my body…
9 Months today sweet girl – by Simone
My darling Belsie Its 9 months today – how is that possible? Oh my darling girl, in so many ways it feels so surreal still, the reality of it still not quite hitting home. I am feeling so very very flat, just blah. I am not crying all the time like I was a few weeks ago, but tears always feel very close to the surface. My memory is shot. I don’t remember simple things from one moment to the next and unless I write something down as I think of it, the next moment it is forgotten. I don’t…
A month since you left us little Thomas – by Simone
My dearest little Thomas It’s a month today since you entered this world, and then left it so tragically. I have no profound thoughts, no words of wisdom. Just a deep, deep sadness and void that feels like it will never be filled. I think of you all the time, pretty much every moment of the day. I play in my head how it would be if you had lived. How we would have managed your stay in NICU, what my days would have looked like. And I also play in my head the fact that if…
When everything just feels wrong – by Simone
Everything feels wrong, uncomfortable, out of place. The only thing that doesn’t feel wrong at the moment is sleeping. It’s the only time I can escape from everything that is going on in my head, the only time that I can “forget”. – I wake up in the morning and it feels wrong because I am so so tired and all I want to do is sleep – I get up, shower, get dressed and put make-up on to try and make myself look a bit presentable, but it feels wrong because I don’t want to look “okay”. I…
8 months today – by Simone
My darling daughter It’s 8 months today since you left us, and I can find no words. I have cried more than I knew was possible in the last 11 days. Crying for the loss of you all over again, crying for the loss of your brother, crying for the loss of hope, for the shattered dreams. I found it so hard to cry those first 3 months after you died, while I was still so deep in shock. But this time, I just cry and cry. I think the shock is less, but the trauma more if that…
A mothers eulogy to her son – by Simone
Today we had a private farewell to our son, Thomas. It was so very hard but I am glad that we did it. Here are some of the words I spoke, straight from my heart. My darling Thomas As we gather today to honor and bless you darling child of ours, my heart can’t help but be shattered into a million pieces. You were a true blessing sent to us from Belsie, straight from heaven. A little person we had so desperately wanted but had almost been too scared to hope for. But hope I had. From…
When your already broken heart shatters – by Simone
Where to begin, oh where to begin…the last 16 days have been a complete and absolute rollercoaster ride of emotions. From initially thinking we were losing baby Thomas 2 Thursday’s ago, to things seeming to stabilise a bit; to a terrible scan, to a somewhat improved scan; from one medical complication to another; to being allowed out of hospital for a few hours 2 days in a row as a test drive to see how things went; to making it to 26 weeks and being allowed to go home with strict instructions around bed rest; to being back in hospital…
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