8 years ago today – sorrow and deep gratitude

by Recover the gift

Baby girl, darling Belsie

It’s been 8 years since you died. 8 long years. In some ways it feels like an entire life time ago, and in other ways, I can remember the day you died like it was yesterday. I still remember very single detail of that day even though so much of what passed after has blurred.

This morning I was looking for your special Jo Malone candle to light so that it will burn for the whole of today and I came across your memory box. I have never had the courage to go through it but today I took it down and delved into it. Gosh it was hard, I cried and cried. But it was also good. 

I found your lock of hair that we cut before you were taken away from me that day (thank you dearest Carol for this foresight). I found the tracing of your little foot. I found all the beautiful christening gifts and cards that were given to you 10 days before you died. 

But you know what I found and was reminded of most? How supported and helped and loved we were over the time that you died. I am not generally a hoarder but I always keep letters and cards people give me. And in your box is every card and email that we were given over the time you died. All the cards that came with the flowers and gifts that we were sent. And it floored me. We were so loved, so held, so treasured over that time. I remember being overwhelmed by it then, and I still remain so grateful 8 years later for our incredible community who really held us – fed us, shopped for us, treasured us, cried with us, visited us, carried us. 

Sometimes this journey has been excruciating, unimaginably hard. It’s a journey I would not wish on anyone else, ever. It feels lately like we have been surrounded by so much sickness and loss – so much cancer and death – and I am reminded of how much James, Murray and I have to be grateful for despite the loss of your brother and you. Despite all the other challenges. We are still so so lucky. 

And that’s what I really want to take the time to remember today. Even with my heart feeling like it is broken, with my body aching with yearning to be able to hold you just once more, I know that I am still lucky despite everything.  And because of everything our loss of you has taught me, our challenges, we have been able to help others, give hope when perhaps people felt hopeless, like they wouldn’t survive, and that is a huge gift. It’s the gift your death has given us, and the people we have been able to impact because of what you taught us in your very short 7.5 months on this earth. 

Thank you baby girl for shining this light for me, for guiding me, for choosing me as your mom.

I love you, now, forever and always

Your mom