My dream of you – by Simone

Hello my baby girl

I dreamt of you a few nights ago. I haven’t done that in a long time. And the dream was so so real. It was in our house, in your room. It was all very very vivid. You had died and we had put your body back in your cot so that we could go and look at you when we wanted to. I was chatting to your dad about how much I missed you and he said I should go and look at you in your cot and give you a kiss and maybe it would make me feel better.

I did that, and I remembering seeing your face in my dream, exactly as it had been when I saw you lying in that bathroom, dead, for the first time. And I kissed your forehead and you woke up. You were so so thirsty and I gave you a bottle and I remember being so confused but so happy. But also so scared that when you had finished your bottle you would “die again”. And that is when I woke up.

And I haven’t really slept since then, not properly really. Almost like I am sub-consciously scared to go back to sleep to re-enter that dream. And I have been so rattled since then. I haven’t been able to shake the dream at all. Feeling you so so close to me, and yet the harsh reality of you not being here with us such a contrast to this.

This week, I also had to go to a meeting at the school you would have started at next year, most likely for the rest of your school career. And I also found this unbelievably hard, much more than I expected. Seeing what you had missed out on, another thing we would never experience. They little ones were practicing for their play, dressed up in their costumes, holding hands so sweetly, and my heart felt broken all over again.

My darling girl, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss you with a depth that no words will adequately be able to describe. But I too am always grateful for the 7.5 months we did get to have with you, how you changed our lives and all that I learnt from you my precious daughter. And in everything I do everyday I do my best to honor you and your precious brother in heaven.

I love you

Your mom

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