Happy 3rd birthday darling Bella Pops – by Simone

by Recover the gift

My darling daughter

Today is your 3rd birthday. I remember that day 3 years ago so so clearly. The day you entered our world and embedded yourself in my heart forever.

Oh how we would have celebrated you if you were still here on earth. Presents, cakes, candles, parties, singing. I imagine how you would have looked, what your hair would have looked like, your sparkling blue eyes. What your relationship with your brother would have been like. Oh how I crave for all of that!!

Today has been a tough day. I feel like I didn’t carve out enough time for myself to be able to just sit and be with you. I felt today that there were too many people needing my attention, pulling on me to do things, and I also wasn’t feeling well at all. I managed to get to The Vineyard later in the afternoon to spend some time with you but I didn’t feel like it was enough, not even nearly. And even while I was there my phone was ringing incessantly with people making demands of me. I did go and get a slice of cake and sit on your and your brothers bench and sing to you, anybody watching would have thought I was crazy. And I chatted to you a bit, sitting quietly listening to the water flow by, the slight breeze in the trees.

Murray was so so good today but also very needy of me. It was almost like he sensed I needed him to be well behaved and that I didn’t have capacity for a huge amount but that I also needed him extra close to me. I have absolutely no idea how we would have got through the last 2 and a bit years without him, he has pulled us through so often. What a darling boy he is and how proud I am of him every single day.

Oh Belsie, I still don’t understand why we got so little time with you, why we were robbed of so much. But for today I am going to try not to let that haunt me and rather to celebrate the little bit of time that we did get with you, the fact that we were blessed with 7.5 amazing months. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t yearn for you, that I don’t wish with all my might that life was different. But it isn’t. And so today I celebrate you and the day of your birth my love. You are one of the best things that ever happened to me.

With all my love, now and always

Your mom