Any body who knows me will know that I am a photo person. I drive my family mad at any family gathering because I always insist on getting some family pictures done to mark the occasion and very luckily for me my sister is an amazing photographer so we generally get a selection of great photos at least a couple of times a year.
I also don’t like it if the photos just land up sitting on my computer or phone. I like to ensure that I make photobooks so that at any stage we can pull them out and easily take a look at them, now or in the future. Murray’s photobooks are completely up to date and it gives me a feeling of satisfaction knowing that.
And yet I have not been able to bring myself to do Bella’s photo album. I have all the photos that were ever taken of her in a folder on my computer (and backed up in 2 other places) but I cant get my head around putting them into an album. I can’t think about deleting even one single photo, because every photo, blurred or not, a series of 20, all almost identical, are too precious. Because there will never be any other photos, no more memories ever made with her on this earth, so I have to hold onto every single one. When you make these albums you also land up immersing yourself in photos for a few hours/days, and I just don’t seem to be able to do that. I don’t seem to have the strength to do that. Just like I haven’t been able to watch that video taken of her in the bath, just the night before she died, for more than 2 years now. Its just too too hard, too too painful.I know that at some stage I will get to the stage that I feel that I can do her album, that I can focus on it and give it the attention it deserves. Just like I was able to bury her ashes and clear out her bedroom, burn the clothes she died in. But for now, its a box that I can’t open, that beautiful little face that shines out of every photo too painful to immerse myself in.
I love you my girl, every single moment of the day.