Today is your 2nd birthday. Happy birthday precious baby girl! I am specifically not talking in the past tense – “today would have been your birthday” because today is your birthday. And today I am choosing to celebrate the day you were born, your birth day rather than to mourn that we didn’t get to celebrate your 2nd birthday with you. And doing this is hard, I am not going to lie. Because I am just so so very sad about all the time we didn’t get to have together precious girl. All the hugs and kisses we didn’t get to share, all the love I didn’t get to heap on you.
I sit here and weep for you. Our precious little girl. Our time with you was too short. Your life taken away before it had really had a chance to get started. But I am grateful for you everyday. For the time we got with you. For each little memory and moment. I cherish each and every one. The day of your birth is still so clear to me. Every moment was calm and peaceful, you our real blessing and gift. Our precious daughter.
I try today to be joyful, and not to be filled with sadness and pain. But that is not possible. I feel such deep deep pain, a sadness that is impossible to find words for. A heaviness on my chest that threatens to suffocate me. Please baby girl, help me to feel your presence, to know you are here with me.
I flash back to that day you died so so so often. Remembering how you looked, how I held you in my arms not wanting to let you go. How your body lost its warmth. And today I am trying rather to replace those visions with those of the day you were born. The day you came in this world and embedded yourself in my heart.
I thought these milestones were supposed to get better after the first year? But I am not going to lie to you, I have really really struggled today, more so than last year. I guess last year you had only been gone for less that 5 months, I still had a lot of shock. And I was pregnant with Thomas And I felt a huge amount of comfort from that. But today I just feel so much emptiness, the void left by you so huge, overtaking everything else. I don’t often give into these feelings, allowing myself to really feel them without slamming the lid firmly on them. But today there hasn’t been a lot of lid slamming. Very rarely do I let tears just flow down my cheeks unchecked, but today I did. And I know it’s supposed to make me feel better right? But it doesn’t really.
Last year I shared the story of your birth day https://isabella1509.com/2016/02/01/happy-1st-birthday-belsie-poppet-by-simone/ and I still think of that day and the build up to it. Its still so very very clear in my mind, the images and feelings right there. I remember so very clearly you being placed in my arms for the first time, staring up at me, and cementing yourself in my heart forever.
I would do nothing differently. If I was given the choice to never have you, but be saved the heartache and pain, I would choose you (and the heartache and pain) every single time. Sometimes when I think of you the feeling of grief is almost completely overwhelming. I know that if I give in to it too much, I might never stop crying again. And so when I feel it coming up, I fairly quickly push it down. Back into its place where I can deal with it a bit better.
So what did today look like for us darling Belsie? This morning I went to The Vineyard to your resting place. I sat quietly on the bench, whispering to you, sending you messages of love. Your very special Aunty Carol came and joined me for a bit and she said a beautiful prayer for you. And we just cried and cried. We also placed some flowers there for you. I then had to take care of a few things at work and then I spent most of the rest of the day with your brother, doing some fun things. I also went out for a lovely lunch with your dad and we had some cake for you. Because no birth day celebration is complete without some cake. I am now sitting on your bench again thinking of you, talking to you. Your dad, brother and I will put some flowers on your bench and share a meal together.
Baby girl, this so often feels so completely surreal, still unbelievable in so many ways. I look at pictures of you (which I still find inordinately difficult to do) and I really just can’t believe that you are gone. That I will never see you again on this earth. Is that really possible??????
Your mom loves you forever and always my darling daughter. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom.