It would have been your first Christmas baby girl – by Simone

Hello my darling girl


It’s Christmas Day, what would have been your first, but life robbed us of having that milestone with you, one of so so many. We haven’t really celebrated Christmas this year – no crackers, red and green, flashing lights. It’s just seemed too hard to muster the energy to do anything.


Yesterday was a very very hard day for me, and today too. I have cried a lot, just missing you so very much and feeling the lack of your presence so much. The physical and mental pain are so acute.


Your brother has been asking for you so so much, all the time. Your loss for him is so real too. His sweet Sissie, taken away, with him having no ability to understand why. I was watching him in the bath playing last night, splashing around, and imagining you in the bath with him. The fact that he won’t ever have that again.


This morning your dad and I went to church early early. We only made it through half the service. We both just cried and cried and cried. Your dad had a picture of you open on his phone, the one with you and your 7 month card, where you were smiling so so much. It’s just too hard to even try and find the words.


I love you baby girl, with every part of me, and miss you more that words can describe.


Your mom



  1. Murray will carry his sister in his heart, even if no vivid memory will ever flow through his mind. The “what if” will be there. I can imagine it… My best friend passed away when I was 9 years old. She was also my cousin. Her baby sister also passed away, as did their father. All in one accident that made my aunt a widow and mother of two less children. I always have “what if” moments…What if she was still alive? She was like a sister to me, would we be close today as we were back then? Why can’t I remember her laugh? I can’t remember her face anymore. What if? What if my brother had been born alive? He was meant to be three years younger than me. But he came out with his eyes already closed, not ever going to see the sun rise. . What if Thabo had been born alive and was alive today? Would we be close? Would we be like other siblings- like my husband and his sister are? My sister and I are not very close. Maybe it’s the 5 year gap, maybe we’re just too different. But I often wonder, “What if..?” He’s like a shadow. There but not there. A dream. A whisper. A promise of what could have been…One day we’ll find out. I live for that day when children like Murray will no longer have to wonder, to wish they could remember, to wonder, “What if.”


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