3 months today – by Simone
My darling baby girl
Its been 3 months today since you left us. And it’s also a Tuesday, so 13 weeks since that fateful day. Somebody asked me the other day if I remember anything from the day you died. I remember every single tiny detail. I don’t remember much from the days that followed, but from that day…everything. It will be indelibly marked in my brain, mind and heart forever, and I will be forever changed.
As I sit here this morning, with your brother cuddled up next to me (for the 2 seconds that he actually does sit still) I battle to find the words to write. And so I borrow some words from another author.
“The Strength You Gave Me
They tell me it’s amazing how I’ve stayed so strong,but they don’t see how I cry when I hear your song,
they see the smile on my face but miss the hurt in my eye, I would rather seem rude than let them see me cry,
I put on this front as I don’t want the world to see, the pain and sorrow so deep inside me.
I don’t act this way cause I’m ashamed to feel the way I do, I act this way in honour of you,
because although I hurt right now and my heart is broken, I can’t help but feel pride and love when your name is spoken,
my strength comes from the love you gave to me, and it’s that strength I want the world to see.
I will always love and miss you Belsie, that I will never hide,
and when people ask me about my daughter Bella, they will always see my pride,
you were so precious and your memory will always live on, I’ll never be sad that I had you only that you’re gone.
My tears are not a sign of my weakness, they are a sign of the love I have inside, they will always fall down my cheeks, when I think of you with pride,
I will always have the memories of my little girl, and you will always be my world, Belsie, always remember you gave me this strength and that, you will always be your mommies little girl!”
My angel, I haven’t looked at your pictures much recently as I find it so hard. Hard to know that I will never have more photos of you, that I will never have photos of you progressing and growing up. But I have just looked at your pictures, to look for one to put with this post, and your brother has just seen your photos and gone absolutely crazy with excitement. “Sissie, Sissie, Sissie” at the top of his voice, jumping up and down and kissing the screen. My heart breaks and smiles all at the same time.
I love you baby girl, with very part of my being, and I ache for you every moment.
The ache..Kissing the screen. Man, how weird it seems. Three whole months? How are her grandparents doing? And your helper(s?) I heard about them going for grief counselling. Not all employers would do so. Your son has wonderful parents. May he learn from you.
I was devastated to hear of you little Bella
Not sure if you remember me Bridget and Laura mom. I think of you often and just how much one person has had to endure. You are such a brave girl and I have always been proud of you and was so happy for you when you found happiness. I know this might seem strange but the girls have always spoken so well of you and all the things you have had to face, my heart is with you at this time I can only pray that you can find your happiness again but it will take time. Best Regards
I am beyond moved by your experience Simone. I have spent the whole morning reading your blog…crying, feeling the love you had for your daughter, wanting to reach out to you about your son. I dont know why God has done what he has but I can tell you that your story has left a mark in me so deep- a life re-evaluation is needed. Today you have made me realise how precious my sons are & how much I love them. Thank you Simone for sharing and I will hold you in my prayers
(DSG Old Girl-98)
Yolo, many thanks for taking the time to read our blog, it really means a lot.
If we can help others treasure their blessings and appreciate the vulnerability of life, and in some way create a legacy for our children, then we have succeeded.