My darling baby girl
Its been 3 months today since you left us. And it’s also a Tuesday, so 13 weeks since that fateful day. Somebody asked me the other day if I remember anything from the day you died. I remember every single tiny detail. I don’t remember much from the days that followed, but from that day…everything. It will be indelibly marked in my brain, mind and heart forever, and I will be forever changed.
As I sit here this morning, with your brother cuddled up next to me (for the 2 seconds that he actually does sit still) I battle to find the words to write. And so I borrow some words from another author.
“The Strength You Gave Me
They tell me it’s amazing how I’ve stayed so strong,but they don’t see how I cry when I hear your song,
they see the smile on my face but miss the hurt in my eye, I would rather seem rude than let them see me cry,
I put on this front as I don’t want the world to see, the pain and sorrow so deep inside me.
I don’t act this way cause I’m ashamed to feel the way I do, I act this way in honour of you,
because although I hurt right now and my heart is broken, I can’t help but feel pride and love when your name is spoken,
my strength comes from the love you gave to me, and it’s that strength I want the world to see.
I will always love and miss you Belsie, that I will never hide,
and when people ask me about my daughter Bella, they will always see my pride,
you were so precious and your memory will always live on, I’ll never be sad that I had you only that you’re gone.
My tears are not a sign of my weakness, they are a sign of the love I have inside, they will always fall down my cheeks, when I think of you with pride,
I will always have the memories of my little girl, and you will always be my world, Belsie, always remember you gave me this strength and that, you will always be your mommies little girl!”
My angel, I haven’t looked at your pictures much recently as I find it so hard. Hard to know that I will never have more photos of you, that I will never have photos of you progressing and growing up. But I have just looked at your pictures, to look for one to put with this post, and your brother has just seen your photos and gone absolutely crazy with excitement. “Sissie, Sissie, Sissie” at the top of his voice, jumping up and down and kissing the screen. My heart breaks and smiles all at the same time.
I love you baby girl, with very part of my being, and I ache for you every moment.