The shock of our sweet daughter’s death has left me. The anxiety filled days, where getting out of bed was near impossible, are becoming easier. But her beautiful face, smiling at me so sweetly when I played hide and seek with her in the mirrors at home, is a constant recurring thought. I would walk with her to the lounge when Simone gave Murray his dinner to close the curtains. She would have one hand on the back of my neck the other holding my ears. When I close the curtains every evening now, I see her there.
When I walk past her room, just as she left it, I hear her cooing. She was an angel who hardly ever cried, she just smiled so radiantly at the world.
When I walk into her room at night I see her smiling face through the darkness. If she woke at night you could see that smile even in the darkness. I feel her gentle presence now sending me love and kisses. It’s been difficult the last few days as Murray has been going into her room wanting to lie in her cot, calling her name. I find it close to unbearable because I see her little dresses there in a box and it breaks my heart all over again.
When I see the two prams it makes me think of the last time I took her for a walk, just the two of us. We met our neighbours walking and she smiled so beautifully at them.
When I make Murray’s bottle in the morning and I accidentally pick up a no 1 teet my heart breaks, I see her small bottles there and she is beside me again.
When I get dressed every morning I see her in a red and blue dress sitting on the floor in front of the dressing room mirror a few days before she died, so sweetly a big grin on her face as she sees me.
When I open the kitchen grocery cupboards I see boxes of baby food and I see her sitting in her feeding chair. The only time she performed was when she was hungry. She ate so well our sweet Belsie.
Her absence hovers over me now like a foreboding storm cloud, threatening to unleash itself on my soul.
I miss our baby girl so much.
May peace, kindness, gentleness and love live strongly in your life.
I found these words online….
Sometimes I catch a glimpse,
In softened waves of blue
My child, my heart …when I see a smile
I can’t help but think of you
Sometimes these waves fill oceans.
And feelings string on every shore
A collections of each memory
And every way I wish for more
Sometimes I watch for answers
Because each day I call to you
I ask for faith and courage
And strength …to help me through
Sometimes I ask for bravery
Like dolphins in the deep
Because time moves oh so slowly
And sometimes the road is steep
Sometimes I want to scream
This was not what I had planned
Why you left us
A dad can’t understand
Sometimes I hear your laughter
And remember you at play
But My Child I always miss you
Not sometimes, but everyday