10 years today darling Belsie
My darling precious daughter
Ten years ago today, at just 7.5 months old, you died. A whole decade has passed — how is that even possible? The lead up to today has been heavy, and today itself has been so very hard. In some ways, even harder than recent years. Your brother hasn’t been well, and the fear for him has brought up so much for me. I’ve also been doing deep personal work this year, facing how I’ve learned to cope, and unlearning old patterns. It has been both healing and exhausting and its brought so much back to the surface
My Belsie, we all miss you so much. Normally I find words, something poignant to write, but today I feel empty. The PTSD has been strong – I keep replaying that day over and over in my mind, as if it just happened. The clarity of the day never really fades. For the first time, Murray has been aware of this day and has asked me so many questions. It has been both a gift and a torture to answer – I am grateful for the chance to talk about you, and at the same time, it cuts so deep. I have cried so much today.
My precious girl, how I wish things were different. How I wish you were here with us. There are things in life that make no sense, and your death is one of them. I will never come to terms with it. I have learned to live with the pain, to find joy again, to cherish the life we have – but that doesn’t stop me from wishing every single day that you were still here with us. You remain forever a part of our family, always here alongside us.
I still carry the torment of feeling like I let you down, that I couldn’t do the one thing a mother is meant to do – keep her baby safe. That thought will always sit heavy on my heart. And yet, I hope you know – I did my best, I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you forever.
You are part of me, always.
Love,
Your Mom
isabella1509 