Nine years today
Nine years ago our precious darling Belsie, you left us, having only spent 7.5 months with us. The path of our lives changed forever at that moment. The memory of that day lives on crystal clear in my mind. I don’t remember the days leading up to your death and I definitely don’t remember the many months after, but that day is etched in my brain. Our lives were completely turned upside down in a way we would never ever have wanted or welcomed into our lives. And yet as time has passed, and the grief and deep, deep yearning for our lives to be different has softened, we have been able to see light in the deep darkness that surrounded us for so long.
Yesterday I came across this quote about the journey of grief – “There is no shame in feeling both”
and it struck such a cord with me. Because nine years later it’s so, so true. And it took me a long time to get my head around this and not to feel guilty about it. I have come to understand that this is one of the things that grief teaches you – how to live in the space between guilt, sadness, grief, happiness, delight – all the feels. In the early days I couldn’t feel any kind of joy or happiness without very deep guilt. I felt like I was letting you and Thomas down if I was feeling any kind of happiness at all, if I dared to lean into anything enjoyable. But these days I can find the joy and I am so deeply grateful for the life we do get to live, despite it not being the life we had hoped for.
I have been so touched by the number of people that have remembered you this weekend our Belsie. And so many of them didn’t even know you then. But they have been touched by you and your legacy precious girl. You were extraordinary then, and your impact continues to be extraordinary today.
I received this incredible quote today from a dear friend which just also so perfectly describes so many of my feelings. In everything I do, in the person I am, in the mom I am to Murray, I try to honour your memory and make you proud of me. It is often very hard, but I hold your life up above the water, into the light and I endeavour to learn from your death and to help others in your name.
These days are never easy. But as the years have passed, I have been able to lean into your memory, into the memory of this day, without being completely debilitated by the lead up to the day and the day itself.
I don’t know what you would have looked like now, how you would have grown and developed physically, mentally, emotionally…and that part, that not knowing, is so hard. But I know that you would have been kind, caring, feisty, inquisitive, hard headed, empathetic, an incredible sister, with big blue eyes like your dad.
Bella-Boo, Belsie, special daughter of ours…we love you and miss you every single day.
You are always with us, in our hearts and minds.
Your mom
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