4 years today darling Belsie – by Simone

It’s 4 years today my darling Belsie, since you died. 4 whole years. In some ways I remember every single moment of that day like it was yesterday, in other ways it feels like a couple of lifetimes ago. The one thing I do know for sure is that not a single day goes past that I don’t miss you so very very deeply and long to see you again.

As per always we went away over this time, and I really do find that this makes it easier to bear. And we had a really lovely weekend together, just the 3 of us. just spending quiet good, quality time, connecting, The last 3 years I have found this day and the build up to it almost unbearable. Like a heavy weight had been placed on my chest making it so very hard for me to breath, to focus on anything else besides the day we lost you forever.

But this weekend felt different. The build up hasn’t felt so raw and for the first time, instead of only being able to feel very deep sorrow and extreme anxiety, my biggest emotion this weekend was one of gratitude. It was gratitude in my head, but more importantly in my heart. Because it’s one thing to tell your head to feel grateful, but quite another to really feel it in your heart.

These are just some of the things I feel deeply grateful for today:

  • Our darling Murray and the way he brightens our day every single day, reminding us that life is so worth living for
  • James and his incredible commitment to Murray and I
  • Our marriage, and the fact that somehow despite every challenge, it has survived
  • Our family and special friends who support us, love and treasure us
  • Beautiful holiday homes lent to us for the weekend by friends who are really more like family
  • That I can run again and the joy I am getting from this (despite how hard it often is)
  • Friends who run the Cape Town Marathon in your honour and remember you
  • The fact that this past year I feel like I haven’t just been focusing on surviving but I feel like I have been able to thrive again in certain areas
  • The privileged life we get to live every day, and the fact that we want for very little
  • For the 7.5 months we did have with you precious Bella. Far far too short, and certainly not what we had imagined for our lives, but wow, you influenced and changed me in more ways than I can ever imagine. I am forever different, and while I would never wish for this kind of experience nor will I ever be able to say I am grateful for it, you have shaped me and others in so many ways and continue to do so. You were remarkable from the moment you were conceived and continue to impact on people long after your time on this earth.

And despite all of this, dear darling Bella, and all that I am grateful for, I miss you and remember you today more than most days, and I wish that I could have just one more day with you. As this beautiful song below sings, I really am jealous of the angels around the throne tonight.

I miss you always, every day, and see love to you my precious angel child.

Your mom

Xx

Jealous of the Angels – Donna Taggart

I didn’t know today would be our last
Or that I’d have to say goodbye to you so fast
I’m so numb, I can’t feel anymore
Prayin’ you’d just walk back through that door
And tell me that I was only dreamin’
You’re not really gone as long as I believe
There will be another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me
And I will hold on tight
It’s not my place to question
Only God knows why
I’m just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight
You always made my troubles feel so small
And you were always there to catch me when I’d fall
In a world where heroes come and go
Well God just took the only one I know
So I’ll hold you as close as I can
Longing for the day, when I see your face again
But until then
God must need another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me
And I will hold on tight
It’s not my place to question
Only God knows why
I’m just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

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