I have been absent from writing for a long time. Not because I am healed but more because I always meant the blog to be an outlet for Simone. I talk more easily than what she does you see.
The last two years have been hard. My grief remains my daily companion, small reminders bringing the image of our departed children back to me. I constantly think about how great it would be to have three little monkeys running around our house, their giggling filling the space and our hearts.
It is clear to me that Murray would dearly love another sibling. I have started taking him camping, just the two of us. This last weekend he cradled his bunny next to the camp fire and told me about all his friend’s brothers and sisters and then said that his bunny was his sister and that he loved her so much. It broke my heart. Murray is what one would call, a busy child. He is though sensitive and thinks deeply about what he is feeling. This is evidenced by some of the incredibly thought provoking things he says. One of my sincere hopes is that by providing all the love and security we can that we can shield him from the long term effects of the passing of his brother and sister. My own life has been a battle against low self-esteem and substance abuse, all related to an abusive father who eventually committed suicide. May Murray not grow up with the hole in his soul which lead me to abuse myself so. I have been
Simone has written about our struggles to conceive another child. The journey is a cyclic one which vacillates between the thoughts of new life and dashed hope. I can’t start to understand the hormonal highs and lows which my dear wife is going through. I am the eternal optimist who believes we will have another child and that the journey will be a tough one.
Simone is my Real Life Hero. She deals with the daily struggles related her grief, her troublesome and painful leg and the roller coaster that is fertility with such dignity, poise and grace. I am in awe at how she manages to cope without falling apart constantly. That’s why when she has an all fall down day like yesterday its ok. We all need to blow off steam; we all need to let tears wash the grief away to be replaced with renewed hope. I am so proud of her and how she has used her words to inspire and build hope in others, so proud of how she has openly shared our struggle and journey through grief. I am in awe of how she handles the news of other’s pregnancies with such sincere joy for the lucky couple. One could so easily turn to bitterness.
My wife is my Real Life hero.
When I started the blog I chose a quote which is now more apt than then;
“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” ― William Shakespeare, Macbeth